Top 11 Conan O’Brien Recurring Comedy Bits

11. Pale Force

This sketch was created by standup comedian Jim Gaffigan who had many appearances on the show. The writing was done by Jim Gaffigan and Paul Noth. The art, animation, and music for the cartoon were done by Paul Noth. All of the voice acting was done by Jim Gaffigan. Jim Gaffigan would show up on one of Conan’s shows and do a standup routine. He would then introduce a segment of the cartoon. The cartoon depicts Jim and Conan as superheroes who use their pale skin to fight crime. Inevitably, Gaffigan is depicted as a lantern-jawed, brave ladies’ man. Conan is depicted as a frail effeminate scaredy cat with a high-pitched voice who often pisses his pants. Their main villain was Eartha Kitt who was known as Lady Bronze on the show. (Again, Gaffigan did all the voices). The episode would end and Conan would be laughing incredulously, complaining about how he is depicted. 

10. The Walker Texas Ranger Lever

This was a very simple bit developed by Conan and his staff. The idea was that NBC had acquired Universal back in 2004 and thus had acquired the rights to Walker Texas Ranger. This gave Conan the ability to show clips of the show “royalty free”. The show had apparently been a lowkey hit at one point but it was definitely goofy. Every time Conan pulled a lever, an out-of-context clip of Walker Texas Ranger would play. The staff did a really great job at picking the strangest clips. Conan would gleefully pull the lever when he felt the show was slowing down. It could have been any show but using clips from a production company known for putting out campy material was a great choice. Also, Chuck Norris’ career was on the decline and action movies were making a cultural shift. Conan’s maniacal face as he pulled the lever was often the best part.

9. Frankenstein Wastes a Minute of Our Time

These sketches were most likely written by Brian Stack although most of the writing was dealing with logistics. It could be that this sketch was also inspired by NBC’s acquisition of Universal which includes their version of the Frankenstein story. Brian Stack portrayed Frankenstein who would randomly interrupt Conan in an excited state. Frankenstein never talked but he would gleefully beckon for the cameraman to follow him. Conan would give the go-ahead and would narrate the action as the camera followed Frankenstein. Frankenstein would travel backstage of the studio and eventually arrive at something really interesting. He would then ignore it and direct the camera to something mundane, excitedly celebrating it. Conan would always be very curious at the start but would berate the monster when he realized that, once again, the big galoot had wasted their time. I also feel like the title was designed to annoy pedants who often “um actually” about the monster’s name.

8. Mick Ferguson, The Guy Who’s Awfully Proud of his Bullet Proof Legs

This sketch premise was written by staff writer Brian McCann during the Late Night days. Brian McCann played the titular Mick Ferguson. The premise was that vaudevillian singer/dancer Mick Ferguson would come out to do a routine about his bullet-proof legs. Inevitably, somebody would somehow shoot him in the heart. He would return several times, each time tasking Conan with making sure he does not get shot. Conan does not do a good job at this mostly because Conan does not seem to care very much. The fun of this sketch is in the variations. The sketch tends to get stranger and stranger as every safeguard fails. These were definitely born out of the years when Conan was left unattended as the network did not seem to actually watch his show.

7. Andy Richter is Crazy

These sketches were most likely written by Andy Richter himself as Andy was an integral part of the writing staff during his tenure on all three shows. It was important to both Andy and Conan that Andy was more than just Conan’s sidekick. Over the years, Andy created a complex and interesting character and that character was insane. His reactions to Conan’s monologues often spiraled into sketches where Andy could show exactly who he is. No two sketches were the same but the recurring glimpses into Andy’s world were always fascinating. A lot of the humor came from how surreal and absurd the sketches were coupled with Richter playing it straight.

6. Artie Kendall the Ghost Crooner

This sketch premise was written by staff writer/performer Brian Stack. Brian Stack performs the character of Artie Kendall. The premise was inspired by the history of the studio where Late Night With Conan O’Brien was filmed. The same studios were used to record and broadcast NBC radio long before there was television. They were also apparently inspired by rumors that radio and film legend Bob Hope had a dark side that he never showed in public. The sketch always begins as Artie Kendall’s voice is heard before he materializes near Conan’s desk. Artie is the ghost of a crooner from the thirties. Conan is amazed and excited to have a piece of history show up and encourages Artie to sing. Artie starts singing short songs that espouse his sexism, racism, and/or classism. After each song, Conan talks about how terrible the lyrics were, getting angrier after each song. This causes Artie to utter a remark about Conan’s “hot Irish temper” and then he sings a song full of the worst Irish stereotypes. This finally causes Conan to shout at him to go. The humor comes from the audacity of Artie’s lyrics coupled with Conan’s outrage and the audience betraying Conan by cheering Artie’s songs.

5. Andy’s Little Sister Stacy

This sketch premise was originally written by staff writer Brian Stack. (It was apparently his first sketch for the show). Amy Poehler plays Andy’s sister Stacy who interacts with Andy Richter and Conan O’Brien. The premise was that Stacy would make an impromptu visit to the show and would somehow make herself known out in the audience. Andy would acknowledge his sister and Conan would welcome her to the show. During her visit, Andy would usually mention her crush on Conan. Conan would be flattered but comment that he was too old for her, already had a girlfriend, liked her as a friend, and so on. Stacy would lose her mind with anger that Conan would not acknowledge her love for him in long fiery speeches. She would also roast her brother for exposing her feelings in the first place. Poehler was so great as this character and a lot of the humor came from the awkwardness from Stacy and Conan. 

4. Paul Rudd Shows A Clip From His Work

Paul Rudd has been a guest on Conan’s various shows since 2004 when he was promoting the final season of Friends on which Rudd was a guest star. For all intents and purposes, this bit was conceived by Paul Rudd without Conan’s involvement. That is how they have chosen to portray it and that is how I wish to see it. The premise is very simple. Paul Rudd shows up for his interview on the show and everything goes fine. He and Conan seemed to have chemistry from the very start. When it comes time for Rudd to offer up a clip of his latest project, he cues the clip. Instead of his latest project, the same clip from the ET ripoff/McDonald’s commercial Mac and Me plays every time. This has happened on every appearance Rudd has made on all three of Conan’s shows and it never gets old. He is just so good at making the viewer believe that he is finally going to actually introduce a real clip. Especially as he got involved with huge companies like Disney. He even did it on Conan’s podcast recently. The clip is also really funny out of context.

3. Butterscotch the Clown

This sketch premise was written by Conan writer/performer Andrés du Bouchet. Andrés performs the character of Butterscotch. The premise is based on a real-life news story that came out around the release of IT Chapters 1 and 2 (2017, 2019). Clowns were protesting the movies because they were high-profile blockbusters giving real clowns bad press. In the spirit of fairness and equal representation, Conan offers to let Butterscotch plead his case to the people of the world on behalf of all clowns. Butterscotch has a bouncy demeanor and is very happy to prove that clowns should be loved and not feared. Except, something is off about the clown from the very start. Everything he does is just a bit too strange. His attempts to assuage the fears of children and parents come off as stereotypical signs of a child predator. He lets weird things slip and is generally unnerving. Conan is frustrated and keeps trying to steer Butterscotch in the right direction but ultimately admits each time that Butterscotch is creepy. The humor here for me is the mix of horror and comedy and the surreal props that Butterscotch trots out. 

2. Conan The Boss

The premises for these sketches are probably mostly written by Conan O’Brien but seem to largely be improvised. The sketches star Conan himself along with actual members of Conan’s staff. The premises for each sketch probably arose from interactions among the staff. In real life, Conan O’Brien has been the boss on three different shows. He is such a good boss that a lot of  people who worked for him followed him from show to show. Many even moved from NYC to Burbank to continue to work for him. In these sketches, Conan usually sets out to do something good for his employees but inadvertently reveals how out of touch he is with his own staff. He comes off as a bully with a heart of gold and an over-inflated sense of importance. A benevolent patron who must deal with his unruly subjects. A lot of the humor comes from Conan’s badgering of his employees until they say something strange and then he pounces on them, ramping up the confusion. The humor for me comes from the absurd dialogue and the knowledge that these are really Conan’s actual staff and not actors.

There are also two notable subsets of this:

Sona Movsesian

Conan’s actual personal assistant since 2009, Sona talks back to Conan like few people can. Her attitude and forthrightness are great to watch.

Jordan Schlansky

A staff member of Conan’s since 1998, he has the innate ability to keep a straight face through just about anything. Encounters with Jordan capitalize on his nerdy obsessions and his cryptic behavior.

1. WikiBear

This sketch premise was written by staff writer/performer Brian Stack. Brian Stack performs the character of WikiBear in all sketches and the sketches ended when he left the show. The premise is that new toys had come out at the 2014 New York Toy Fair. The sketch is actually based on a real toy introduced at that year’s toy fair. WikiBear is a stuffed bear connected to the Internet that can answer questions for kids. In each sketch, Conan turns on WikiBear and tests his abilities. WikiBear is incessantly cheerful and happy to provide accurate facts. Conan asks him about innocuous facts that children might be interested in. After WikiBear rattles off the information, he segues into a much darker subject much to Conan’s shock and horror. The humor for me is the cheerful manner used to discuss dark subjects. Also, WikiBear’s commentary on the flaws of society like “Never Trust a Cop” and “The Wealthy Are Above Morality.”

Friday the 13th: Jason in Time (Movie Pitch) Pt. 2

See Pt. 1 here.

Crystal Lake Area – Exterior

Renata talks with her superiors. The FBI is under the impression that this and the events of Jason Goes to Hell can be attributed to a Jason copycat. There is a history of Jason copycats. The one that was destroyed in 2003 is never coming back. It is medically impossible. Renata tells him that she knows what she saw. They tell her that she just bought into the legend and to stay on mission.

The mission goes poorly. They come upon Jason Reborn and get into attack position. They begin to fight but Nanotech Jason suddenly appears and flanks the group. As the agents regroup, the two Jasons regard each other. There is an air of recognition but also confusion. It looks like they might actually fight each other when the FBI attacks. The two Jasons work independently and thrash the FBI agents. Nanotech Jason grabs Renata by the neck and throws her off of a cliff. 

Camp Crystal Lake – Camp Lodge Interior

Tommy is flabbergasted at there being two Jasons and everybody else is too. However, Creighton presses Rowan on her lack of reaction to the second Jason. After intense grilling, Rowan relents and explains her story and the origin of Uber Jason. KM reminds Rowan of the timeline and Tommy asks about the timeline. He puts together that if Jason was captured in 2008 and frozen in 2010, he doesn’t end here. Rowan confirms this. Everybody is dispirited. She feels for them but she feels like they are doomed. Everybody splits up.

Tommy, Jessica, and Rowan sip whiskey together and talk about knowing Jason so intimately. Duke comforts Billy over the death of his friends. KM pulls Tina aside and lets her know that KM’s scans have revealed that Tina has a small blockage in blood vessels near her brain and that would account for her powers being blocked. Since the timeline is no longer a concern, she could repair that damage and restore Tina’s powers. Tina thinks about it and then agrees. KM places her palm on Tina’s forehead and humming noise and lights are produced. Tina says she feels much better. As she walks off, Tommy and Rowan ask KM what she did. KM says she did nothing. Tina had no physical damage and therefore KM deduced that the problem was psychological. Their odds of success go up dramatically if everybody is at full power.

Tommy rallies his troops and says that they have to fight. They can’t give up and just let the Jasons kill them all. If they let the Jasons win, many more people will die. A more confident Tina agrees and says that she is ready to go. Billy wants revenge for his friends. Everybody gets fired up and Rowan says that maybe the addition of her and KM will change things. Maybe changing the timeline is the right thing to do.

Tommy gets on the public address system and calls out Jason, telling him to come to mommy. The group moves toward the location of Jason’s shack. Inside is the shrine to Pamela Voorhes, including her head. It also has the body of his mother’s killer, Alice Hardy, and two other bodies. 

As Tommy sets the shack on fire, he thanks Ginny for revealing the location and contents of the shack. 

Jason Reborn shows up to find Billy beckoning him in front of the shack. Jason moves to kill Billy but Billy is fired up and starts beating the crap out of Jason with a baseball bat with nails in it. The others box Jason in. Jason kills Billy. Everybody opens fire on Jason with the energy weapons doing the bulk of the damage. Jason fights back but this time he is overwhelmed. He keeps looking back at the shack, emotionally torn between his mother burning and fighting for his own life. Tommy picks up Jason’s machete from the shrine and cuts open Jason’s back with it. Jessica stabs her dagger right between Jason’s eyes. Tina uses her powers and shoves Jason into the flaming shack. A flaming Jason runs out of the shack but he is decapitated by the sudden arrival of Uber Jason who then kicks Jason Reborn back into the burning shack.

Jessica pulls the dagger out of Jason Reborn’s head and kicks it back into the burning shack. Duke throws a grenade into the shack which enrages Uber Jason. That was his mother too. Jason swings his machete at Creighton and barely misses. Jessica lunges with the dagger but is caught by the throat and slammed into Duke. As a doctor, Rowan rushes to help them but is caught by Jason who begins to choke her out. A harpoon impales Jason from behind and Renata has arrived, still moving in an injured state. Jason pulls the harpoon out and the wound closes instantly. He resumes choking Rowan.

Jason’s fingers slowly release Rowan’s throat as we see that Tina is exerting her will. Rowan drops to the ground and rolls away. Tina uses her abilities to beat the crap out of Uber Jason, similar to their earlier fight. This allows the others a chance to recover. However, the damage from Tina’s attack is healed just as easily. Tommy goes to get Jessica and Creighton back on their feet. KM jumps on Uber Jason’s back. He fights hard to get her off and ends up knocking her head off with a back elbow. KM’s body glows and explodes and the nanotechnology falls off of Uber Jason. Creighton and Tommy take out Jason’s legs from behind. Renata shoots Jason through the forehead at point blank range.

Jason still struggles to get back to his feet but Tina holds him there. Jessica stabs him with the dagger and the souls of those Jason has killed swirl around them all. Tina shoves Jason into the still-burning shack. Everybody sits back and watches it burn. “Do you think that did it?” Tommy asks. “I hope so,” Creighton says. “I’m getting too old for this.”   Tina says “I don’t sense them anymore.”

Daybreak

Renata claims that this time, the government is going to listen to her about the threat of Jason Voorhees. Tommy, Jessica, Creighton, and Tina all agree to testify. Rowan says that she would testify but it complicates things that there is another her out there. They mourn the fallen but after a long moment of silence, they hear KM shouting. Her head survived again and Rowan happily cradles it. They ask Rowan and KM what they will do. Rowan says that the timeline has undoubtedly changed and she and KM come from a future that probably doesn’t exist anymore. As if on cue, Rowan and KM start to fade away. Rowan declares that it was worth it and that the new timeline should be much happier for everyone. She hurriedly tells Renata about the corrupt Dr. Wimmer and to investigate him and anybody else involved should Jason come back. The two of them completely fade away. Everybody else makes a promise to be there if Jason does come back. 

Casting: (If the movie had been filmed in 2004):

• Uber Jason – Kane Hodder, James Preston Rogers, Matthew G. Taylor
• Jason Reborn – Ken Kirzinger, Derek Mears, Glenn Jacobs
• Renata Dario – Jordana Brewster, Marisa Ramirez, Dania Ramirez
• Owen Argento – Rupert Evans, Dustin Milligan, Lochlyn Munro
• Billy Campbell – Tyler Labine, Tuc Watkins, Stephen Dunham
• Billy’s friends – Zoë Bell, Spice Williams, Jennifer Caputo, Nathan Jones, Mike Knox, Jason Arhndt

Director: Josh Becker, Bruce Campbell, Adam Marcus

Media Update 8/18/22

Nightmare Shark

I saw that this movie was made by the same director as Ghost Shark which I still see as the height of goofy Shark movies. Survivors of shark attacks find themselves hunted by something in their dreams when they gather for a drug trial. This movie’s cast is mostly made up of survivors from previous SyFy shark movies, many of which I need to now watch. None of these movies are really spoiled (except for who survives, I guess). There were no real big standouts in the cast, but they all did a great job of being scared and fighting sharks. The only actor I had seen before was Tony Amendola who I remember from Stargate SG-1 and Once Upon a Time. He plays a great sketchy villain. The real star is the janky yet cool special effects. Go in expecting Freddy Krueger combined with Jaws and The Haunting. I recommend this movie.

Shark Exorcist 

There really is a dart board for these shark movies. What if a shark was a demon who could kill on its own but also possess human beings? This was very low budget but had a lot of fun scenery chewing and awkward special effects (PNG of a Shark ftw). This movie suffered from the problem that a lot of independent films made only by white people suffer from. I could not tell all of the bleach blond young women apart. It made the plot a little hard to follow at times. At one point, I swear it was just the same actress on split-screen. The two main stars are a husband and wife team who are mainly one-line characters in Hollywood movies. The two of them often star opposite each other in b-movies. This was a ridiculous movie but I enjoyed it. I recommend this movie.

Shark Encounters of the Third Kind

The title of this jumped out at me and I could not resist. Crashed extraterrestrials utilize sharks, mind control, and strange technology to silence witnesses to their visits to Earth. So we have rubber suit aliens and more shark PNGs. The plot falls apart about fifteen minutes in and I was left with a lot of random side characters distracting from the fighting with aliens. I do not really see this as a bad thing per se. There is a lot of scenery chewing in this one as well. Actress Jennie Russo actually does a pretty good job with what she is given and considering the chaos she has to deal with. I recommend this movie.

Music of the Week

Megan Thee Stallion – Her

Boys World – So What

Demi Lovato – Substance

Titan Rage – Terrorizer

Mashup of the Week: 

Elysian Sounds – Industry Baby x Lying From You

Weekly Update:

• This week’s theme is “Deadly Games”
• I watched a ton of YouTube and Twitch: Barry Kramer, Gabi Belle, Attorney Tom, Impact Wrestling, All Elite Wrestling, Cruel World Happy Mind, Emily D. Baker, Wendigoon, Conaco, Rina de Coro, Tamara Chambers, LegalEagle, NWA, Jarvis Johnson
• I watched more Riverdale Season 5
• I watched more Umbrella Academy Season 3
• I watched more The Flash Season 8
• I watched Landshark (2017)
• I watched Mutant (Rifftrax version)

Why I Love Pro-Wrestling: The Strange Tale of Bray Wyatt Pt. 2

Possessed By Sister Abigail

Braun Strowman broke free of the cult and Rowan was banished after too many failures. Bray Wyatt found a new member in The Viper Randy Orton. The devious Orton pledged himself to the Wyatt Family leading to success. However, at the first opportunity, Orton betrayed Wyatt after eliminating Luke Harper. Orton went to the Wyatt compound and he burned it down, making special care to violate the grave of Sister Abigail. Sister Abigail had been the source of Wyatt’s power. He went to the compound and smeared its ashes on his body. It was revealed that Sister Abigail was a demon and Wyatt took her completely into his body, becoming possessed. He faced Orton in an otherworldly “House of Horrors” and defeated the snake. Wyatt remained in an unstable state with Sister Abigail within him.

The Wyatt/Abigail amalgam soon picked a fight with the heroic Finn Balor. The feud with the dangerous and violent new Bray Wyatt forced Finn to fight fire with fire. Finn drew on his own demon persona, a choice he was always reluctant to make,  to fight Wyatt. The Demon handily beat Wyatt leaving Wyatt fanatical and bitter. He kept saying that Balor could not possibly beat him without The Demon, playing on Balor’s personal pride. Balor responded that he was an ordinary man who could do extraordinary things and faced Wyatt again without The Demon. Balor was able to defeat Wyatt by himself, sending Wyatt further into his spiral. 

Samael

Bray Wyatt next clashed with Matt Hardy with Wyatt having the upper hand early on in their feud. Wyatt’s defeat of Hardy was so brutal that it re-awakened a version of the Broken Matt personality now known as “Woken” Matt Hardy. Hardy himself was knowledgeable about the supernatural as he was possessed by the soul called ZENITH which had existed since 7 A.D. only recently making Hardy its host, giving him “broken brilliance”. That connection helped Hardy beat Wyatt in a Final Deletion match, meant to eliminate whoever lost. Hardy won and then pushed Wyatt into the Lake of Reincarnation on the Hardy compound. Wyatt vanished.

Wyatt surprisingly returned to assist Matt Hardy instead of harming him. Wyatt’s reincarnation had purged the succubus Sister Abigail from him and left him clean and good for the first time in a long time. At that point, ZENITH and Hardy helped rehabilitate Bray Wyatt who welcomed the ancient spirit of Samael within him. Now a good guy, Bray formed a successful team with Hardy known as the Deleter of Worlds. They won the tag team titles together and everything was great until Broken Matt quietly disappeared.

The Firefly Fun House and the Fiend

Something was very wrong with Bray Wyatt. He had vanished for quite some time when troubling vignettes started to appear on television. Bray reappeared in a red sweater in segments of what could only be described as his version of a children’s show. He was accompanied by several puppet characters a la Pee Wee’s Playhouse or Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. He was constantly smiling and unceasingly positive as he talked about rediscovering himself. It would have all been very pleasant except that there was a dark edge underneath it all. Nobody knew what to think of these strange interruptions  Bray seemed unstable and it became increasingly obvious that the puppet characters were pieces of his past, his very soul. Mercy the Buzzard, Ramblin’ Rabbit, Abby the Witch, and Huskus the Pig were all his past that was still a part of them.

The “good” news according to Bray was that he had found a way to focus his darkness in order to protect his happy new world. This so-called focus seemed to result in a sharp division of Wyatt’s character. Bray Wyatt, the host of the Firefly Fun House, could be happy, weird, and teach kids lessons. His other side, The Fiend soon emerged and it did not seem to be a protector. The Fiend seemed to be a predator, single-mindedly brutalizing whoever it could get its hands on. The grotesque monster seemed set on the domination of the WWE just like the prior incarnations of Bray Wyatt. This time he was unstoppable and he implored the WWE fans to “Let Him In”.

Eventually, the loveable and playful Bray Wyatt also started to wrestle. He did not want to dominate, he was always trying to “help”. The biggest example of this is his match with John Cena at Wrestlemania. The two of them had clashed before but Cena was not prepared for the new Bray Wyatt. The Fiend was something Cena could understand. Cena never backed down from a fight and had slain more than his share of monsters. However, this time Wyatt attacked John’s mind and soul, pulling him into the extradimensional Firefly Fun House and walking through Cena’s psyche blended with his own. The attack and victory were existential and it took quite some time for Cena to recover.

Passing on The Madness

Wyatt then moved on to feud with Braun Strownman, a monster of a man who had once been his follower. Wyatt attempted to get into Strowman’s head, calling the past back up to show their connection and Wyatt’s superiority. He did not pull him into the Fun House but it was very similar. Strowman had grown as a monster among men and he shook off Wyatt’s influence.   When that plan did not work, Wyatt even summoned his Eater of Worlds persona from the past to fight Strowman in a swamp. It was time to unleash The Fiend. The monster attacked Alexa Bliss, somebody Strowman had befriended and shown affection for. The Fiend kept involving Bliss, forcing Strowman to step in. Braun and The Fiend fought tooth and nail with The Fiend winning Strowman’s championship belt.

Following this, The Fiend whisked Alexa Bliss away and she began to take on a more insane appearance and demeanor. She began to appear on the Firefly Fun House alongside Bray, fully part of his world. She also took on elements of The Fiend but her power source seemed to be a mysterious doll named Lilly.

The Fiend and Bray Wyatt reignited their feud with Randy Orton which quickly became extremely violent. Eventually, the two faced each other and Orton set The Fiend on fire, banishing The Fiend. Alexa Bliss haunted Orton in the meantime until a charred version of The Fiend returned to protect her from Orton. However, it was a trap. Alexa used her powers to weaken The Fiend so Orton could finish him off. Bray Wyatt appeared one more time to say how excited he was for a fresh start and then he never showed up again.

Friday the 13th: Jason in Time (Movie Pitch) Pt. 1

Cast of Characters:

From Earlier Films:

Jason Reborn – After the events of Jason Goes to Hell in 2003, Jason has once again clawed his way to the land of the living thanks to Freddy Krueger

Uber Jason – The killer Jason Voorhees whose undead body merged with nanotechnology to become even more of an apex predator. 

Creighton Duke – The bounty hunter who helped kill Jason the last time. He barely survived his injuries from his last fight with Jason.

Ginny Fields – One of the original survivors of Jason back in 1984. She has since followed her dream of becoming a child psychologist.

Jessica Kimble – One of the two last blood relations to Jason Voorhees and survivor of Jason’s last known rampage.

KM-14 – An android from the future who fought Jason and barely survived. She is dedicated to stopping the threat of Nanotech Jason.

Reggie Winter – Fought a copycat Jason alongside Tommy but is ready to tackle the real thing.

Rowan LaFontaine – A scientist from the 21st century who was stabbed by Jason and frozen only to be defrosted in the future to face Jason. She is dedicated to stopping Jason.

Tina Rogers née Shepard – A young woman with psychic powers who once defeated Jason. 

Tommy Jarvis – He was a troubled young man who had encountered Jason twice but failed to kill him. Probably the foremost expert in surviving Jason Voorhees since most others are dead

New Characters:

Agent Renata Dario – An FBI agent investigating the Crystal Lake site after alerts went off.

Billy Campbell – A local interested in getting rid of Jason to avenge the dead who are not acknowledged as much. He believes that Jason is a sickness.

Officer Owen Argento – A security officer from the future tasked with disposing of Jason’s body in the sun. 

The year 2455 – On a Ship in Deep Space – Interior

KM-14 and Rowan LaFontaine have assisted in the effort on Earth 2 to clean up what was left of the remains of Jason Voorhees. They convinced the government of the severity of the situation by showing footage of Jason’s attack on their ship. Rowan insisted on accompanying the disposal mission to dump Jason into a nearby star. KM-14 accompanied her just in case things got out of hand again. While en route, a space anomaly causes power on the ship to fluctuate including the containment field around Jason’s remains. Rowan and KM-14 rush to that area. As they work with Owen Argento to assess the risk, the anomaly further activates and that section of the ship is completely destroyed.

The year 2006 – Crystal Lake – Exterior

The serene surface of the lake is disturbed by bubbling and then a large hand reaches above the surface. 

The year 2006 -Blairstown, NJ  – Exterior

Tommy Jarvis arrives at the house of Tina and Nick Rogers.  Tina is sitting out on the porch. He asks if she was expecting him but she simply smiles and says it is a nice day  She offers him some lemonade. Tommy is there because Tina would not answer his messages. She simply ignored them. She is done with Jason. Tommy points out that she gave Jason the toughest fight of anybody else. He thinks that Jason is back. They have a responsibility to end him. She refuses. Tommy asks her to at least reach out and see if Jason is back. Tina states that doing so might draw Jason to her. Tommy points out that she and Nick could have moved far away from Crystal Lake but they settled nearby. Tina relents and reaches out with her mind and confirms that Jason is back but she feels something is very wrong. Tommy asks if he is back at Crystal Lake. Tina says yes… and no. She cannot make sense of what she feels and that troubles her.  Tommy pleads with her to go to Crystal Lake with him. He has some people for her to meet. If 

The year 2006 – A secluded beach in New Jersey – Exterior

Rowan wakes up and stumbles to her feet in an unknown place, her vision blurry at first. The ruins of the spaceship section are half on the sand and half in the water. She searches for the others and finds Owen and pulls him out of the water. Thankfully, he did not drown. The two of them find KM and are able to reactivate her. She informs them that they are on Earth and not Earth 2. They are startled to find out that they have appeared in 2006. Owen marvels that this is what Earth looked like when it was still livable. They find that Jason’s containment field is empty. Rowan knows where Jason would go

A gym in Crystal Lake – Interior

Tina arrives and walks into a gym full of faces familiar to fans of the franchise. Creighton, Tommy, Jessica, Ginny, and Reggie have all been seen before. Billy is a new face. They settle into a circle of chairs. One by one, they talk about their experiences with Jason as the audience sees brief clips of the events of Friday the 13th Parts 1 and 2, The Final Chapter, A New Beginning, Jason Lives, and Jason Goes to Hell. Tommy fills in bits he has learned from Part 3 and Jason Takes Manhattan. He mentions that a fence has been erected around the whole area after a recent incident (referring to the conclusion of Freddy vs. Jason). Tommy introduces Billy who is a local and is there to represent the town of Crystal Lake, unofficially of course. Billy says that he’s got two others he plans to bring along.

A small town in New Jersey – Exterior

The time travelers have obtained clothes of the time and are walking down the street. They talk about making as few changes in the timeline as possible. Owen points out that the cat may already be out of the bag since Uber Jason won’t be concerned about the timeline. Besides that, they need to get to Crystal Lake. Rowan relents and they have KM steal a truck from a nearby lot. They drive off toward Crystal Lake.

Camp Crystal Lake – Exterior

Tina and Tommy get through the fence and arrive at Camp Crystal Lake. They sit and talk for a moment as they contemplate the dilapidated buildings of Camp Crystal Lake (with graffiti saying Camp Blood) and all of the memories there. Tina points out that there must have been good memories before Jason. Tommy says that if they remove Jason, there will be nothing standing in the way of the good memories coming back. The curse of Crystal Lake will be over. Tina reveals that she is a bit rusty with her powers. Tommy assures her that it will be alright but that he’s counting on her.

Everybody else pulls up in two cars. They climb out of the car and Tommy gives a pep talk as de facto leader. They all have what it takes for a final confrontation with Jason. 

Somewhere in New Jersey – Exterior

A group of teens is having a party in a clearing. Two young lovers walk off into the woods and the guy blindfolds the girl. [The film audience is vicariously blindfolded] After a few beats she hears a horrible scream. She lifts the blindfold to see her boyfriend impaled on a tree branch next to her. She screams and looks around wildly and sees red eyes light up in the shadows. Cut to her running into the clearing when she is hit behind by a thrown machete. Uber Jason strides into the clearing and starts to slaughter teens as they try and flee. The violence is sudden, chaotic, and gory. There are no survivors.

Camp Crystal Lake – Exterior

The support group is walking along the trail. Renata shouts at them to freeze and announces herself as an FBI agent. They are a highly suspicious and well-armed group in a site deemed off-limits by the FBI. Tommy admits that she is right but points out that it is off-limits because of Jason. Renata brushes this aside. Tina says that Jason is back. Renata blurts out that Jason Voorhees is dead. Tina insists that he is back and Jessica backs her up. Tommy asks Renata what she is doing at the camp. Not that it is their business but she is there to check on several tripped motion sensors. Isaiah jokes that this was a fast response. Renata states that, unless the group had been down by the water, it was not them. Everybody looks at each other and Renata runs off toward the lake telling the group to stay put. Tommy says there’s no chance of that and Creighton helps rally the group toward the lake.

Renata finds Jason Reborn standing by the lake, staring out at the still water. She tells him to freeze and stand down. He turns as the others arrive. Renata is annoyed but also a little grateful. They aim their weapons at Jason but he approaches anyway. Renata gives a warning but Tommy’s crew just starts firing. The battle begins and the group is terrorized by an absolutely feral Jason Voorhees. Tommy calls on Tina to put a stop to it but her powers falter. Ginny, Reggie, and Billy’s two friends are killed in the battle.  As things look grim, a truck plows into Jason but the impact merely staggers him. Owen and KM pop out and fire their weapons at Jason. The energy weapons kick up a lot of smoke which allows Jason to disappear. The others are stunned but they are beckoned into and onto the truck. At the last moment, Owen is stabbed from behind by Jason and the rest of the group drives away.

Camp Crystal Lake – Camp Lodge Interior

Tommy points out that Jason is smarter than he looks and will have retreated temporarily to regroup and assess the new threat. They barely made a scratch and Jason could have easily killed them all. They take a moment to mourn those who did die. The group realizes that the newcomers have disappeared.

In another room, Rowan and KM talk again about being in the past and that they have to be careful. Rowan knows that the group fails to end Jason because of the incident that led to her being frozen in the first place. She laments that they have to deal with two Jasons now. Their priority target remains Uber Jason. KM does not like the odds of success.

They are interrupted by Tommy and Jessica who ask them to join the group. They are grateful for the rescue but suspicious of these newcomers. Tommy reveals that most people there are survivors of Jason. Rowan says that applies to her and KM as well. Owen was just along for the ride. 

Renata has no idea what she has gotten into. The others tell her the basic story of Jason. He was a kid who died in the lake, he rose again as an adult zombie, and each time he falls, he rises again even more powerful. Renata claims that the FBI destroyed Jason. Jessica walks her through his resurrection. He is way more powerful than the government could ever know. Rowan blurts out that the government will know about it but is able to play it off as a plan to let the government know the entire truth about Jason. The group agrees but Tommy insists that it won’t be necessary if they do their job right. Rowan hides her reaction, knowing that they will not succeed.

Tommy pulls Tina aside and asks her what went wrong out there. Tina tells him again that she is rusty as she abandoned her powers after fighting Jason last time. Tommy tells her that they need her badly, more than he thought. Jessica overhears and interrupts and yells at Tommy for hinging his plan entirely on Tina. She points out that the mystic dagger combined with her blood is supposed to be the only thing that really works. Tommy points out that only 3 years have passed but Tommy put Jason down for five. Jessica points out that Tommy also brought Jason back too. Tina yells at them to stop and a surge of power goes through the room. Tommy and Jessica smile and Tommy says that they might have a chance after all.

Creighton bursts in to tell them that Renata has run off. Renata’s FBI backup has arrived and she went off with them to track down Jason. KM is able to alter some old camp radio equipment so that they can listen to FBI communications.

Media Update 8/11/22

Escape Room: Tournament of Champions

I really enjoyed the first Escape Room which had great production design so I knew I would eventually watch the sequel. This one follows soon after the first movie, with the survivors being thrown into another mysterious game. Taylor Russell returns to be the star of the movie and she is great at carrying the movie. They do a good job of making the other characters feel full and rounded instead of just cannon fodder. The real star here once again is the production design and the tension of the escape rooms. They really designed the heck out of these things and it shows. I would love for this series to continue in some way. It is a great franchise but it could be amazing if it continues even after the current arc is over. I recommend this movie.

Tron: Legacy

The aesthetics of the original definitely rocked my world as a kid and I have been playing KH Dream Drop Distance lately so it was time to watch this movie. The movie picks up years after the events of the first movie with Kevin Flynn’s son trying to find his father. Jeff Bridges returns and oddly puts on one of his best performances in his career, in my opinion. He is also a lot of fun to watch in general. Olivia Wilde plays a manic pixie dream girl but is also fun to watch. Garrett Hedlund is serviceable as young punk action star. Michael Sheen devours scenery whole and is delightful. The movie has a strong story but the visuals are even stronger. It captures the feel of the original but updates everything to look even better. The score is also done by Daft Punk so that’s amazing. I recommend this movie.

Devour (2005)

I stumbled upon this movie on Prime and I couldn’t resist as a fan of Supernatural. A young man is enticed to play a strange and violent game that starts to take over his life. Jensen Ackles stars and is great at being a young punk who is somehow both likable and despicable. 

Dominique Swain plays the best friend with benefits. Teach Grant play the unbalanced friend who introduces the game. Shannyn Sossamon plays a nurse who wants to help the main character figure out the mystery. The movie is very strange and the visuals are violent and trippy. The plot is somehow confusing even when it ends up not being that complicated. I feel like a lot of it was done just for shock value. I do not recommend this movie unless you are a hardcore Jensen Ackles fan and you like B horror movies.

Music of the Week:

Bella Poarch – Dolls

Jackson Wang – Cruel

NBA Youngboy – Proof

Pharrell Williams – Cash In Cash Out

Mashup of the Week:

jake bourey – Holla Back Girl If Ya Hear Me

Weekly Update:

This week’s theme is “Deadly Games”

• I watched a ton of YouTube and Twitch: Barry Kramer, Gabi Belle, Attorney Tom, Impact Wrestling, All Elite Wrestling, Cruel World Happy Mind, Emily D. Baker, Wendigoon, Conaco, LS Mark, Maggie Mae Fish, Rina de Coro, Deerbits, LegalEagle, NWA
• I watched more Riverdale Season 5
• I watched more Umbrella Academy Season 3
• I watched more The Flash Season 8
• I watched more Top Secret UFO Projects: Declassified
• I watched Evil Toons
• I watched The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant (Rifftrax version)
• I watched The Galaxy Invader (Rifftrax version)
• I watched the House on Sorority Row (Rifftrax Version)
• I watched Sisters of Death (Rifftrax Version)

An Exhaustive Summary of the Batman: Arkham Games Pt. 4

Batman follows the trail to the Sionis Steel Mill, the legitimate face of Black Mask’s empire. Here he finds that Joker has fully taken over Black Mask’s operations. Batman makes his way through the Steel Mill and then through the massive hidden drug processing facility. Batman rescues Sionis but discovers that this has been a trap set for him by Copperhead. She briefly scuffles with Batman, injecting him with her venom. She toys with Batman as he struggles to get back up to surface level so Alfred can airlift him an antivenom. He starts to hallucinate and sees Alfred, Commissioner Loeb, and the bank manager filling him with shame and doubt. Batman fights hundreds of identical Copperheads until Alfred manages to deliver the antivenom allowing Batman to easily finish off Copperhead. She offers to lead Batman to Joker in exchange for her freedom. While pleading her case, she lets slip that the remaining assassins have a scheduled meeting with Joker which means Batman does not need her. 

Batman scans the city for the frequency of the Electrocutioner’s gloves and narrows down the location of the meeting to a room in the Royal Gotham Hotel. Batman must evade Lieutenant Branden’s team outside to get into the hotel. Meanwhile, Joker is berating the remaining assassins for failing to kill Batman and throws Electrocutioner out of the window who falls to his death right in front of Batman. Most of the assassins leave but Bane sticks around, correctly assuming that Batman would be coming for Joker. Batman fights through the hotel which Joker has fashioned into a strange amusement park decorated with dead bodies. Joker toys with Batman, forcing him to play games to save lives. 

At the top of the tower, Batman’s attempt to get at The Joker is thwarted by Bane who aimed to collect on the balcony. Bane allows The Joker one minute with Batman. Joker spends that minute taunting Batman with the knowledge that he has rigged explosives all over the city and sets one off to show that it isn’t a bluff. Batman tries to beat information on the bombs out of The Joker but the minute is up and Bane attacks. 

Batman fights Bane on the roof of the hotel with Bane using venom and his men to try and outmatch the Dark Knight. Bane’s ruthless cunning and chemically enhanced physicality make the battle very dicey for Batman. A worried Alfred goes against Batman’s orders and anonymously tips off Jim Gordon. Gordon rides to the rescue with his team on helicopters which causes Bane to consider a tactical retreat. Batman places a homing device on Bane. Joker is angry that Bane is retreating and fires on Bane’s helicopter. Bane retaliates by firing a rocket launcher at the clown and the explosion launches Joker into the air. Batman is forced to risk himself to save Joker from falling to his death. Joker is astonished that Batman would save him after all that he has done. Joker kills two of his own men before they can kill Batman.

Joker is arrested and taken to Blackgate where he receives an intake interview from Dr. Harleen Quinzel. Joker instantly charms Quinzel by talking longingly about Batman but in such an ambiguous way that the doctor thinks he is talking about her. As Joker talks about being destined to meet Batman, we see what might be The Joker’s origin story. He is forced to wear the costume of The Red Hood during an Ace Chemicals heist. In the middle of the heist, Batman appears and the frightened amateur criminal who would become Joker unsuccessfully struggles. Joker falls into a vat of chemicals and, when he surfaces, realizes the chemicals have turned him into the iconic Joker that we know.

Batman returns to the Batcave, shaken but still standing. Alfred begs him to stay put since Joker has been arrested which ends the whole affair. Batman disagrees and says that there is more work to be done. There are a few more assassins out there including Bane. The tracer on Bane does not seem to be working.  Just then, there is a report of a body resembling Bane in the morgue. It turns out to be just one of Bane’s henchmen. The signal for the homing device comes online and Batman makes his way into Bane’s Gotham headquarters. There he finds the tracer device attached to undeniable proof that Bane knows that Batman and Bruce Wayne are one and the same. Batman warns Alfred that Bane knows his secret. Alfred requests Bruce’s return again but Batman says that he will be safe alone in the Batcave.

Reports come in that Firefly is terrorizing the Gotham Pioneer’s Bridge. Batman discovers that Firefly and his men have planted bombs all along the bridge. Batman warns Gordon who chooses to trust him and calls for the cops to stay off the bridge and let Batman try and handle it. Batman travels through the train station inside of the bridge and rescues hostages while defusing the bombs. Batman and Gordon clash over tactics but end up working well together with Alfred urging Batman to trust Gordon more. After defusing three bombs, Batman is surprised by Firefly and battles him for control of the detonator switch. Firefly is finally able to use the detonator switch but the delay that Batman caused allowed Gordon enough time to have the final bomb defused. 

Batman gets a call from Alfred but it ends up being Bane who is in the Batcave. Bane taunts Batman with the knowledge that it will be too late to save Alfred and Bane wants to face him again when Bruce’s grief turns to anger. Batman rushes to the Batcave just in time for Alfred to bid him goodbye. A distraught Bruce uses Electrocutioner’s gloves as a last resort and manages to defibrillate Alfred and restart his heart. A convalescing Alfred tells Bruce that he understands the mission now and that he cannot dissuade Batman from his path. However, no man is an island and Batman must rely on others if he is to survive. There is trouble at Blackgate Prison again so Batman calls Gordon to team up.

Batman and Gordon work together and are able to stem the worst of the riots. They are able to rescue Warden Joseph and Dr. Harleen Quinzel. Quinzel tells Batman that she knows why he is at the prison and that Joker is waiting for him at the Panopticon. Batman confronts Joker who has once again teamed up with Bane. Joker has set up a heart monitor on Bane. If Bane lives within the time limit, Joker will fry in an electric chair. If Batman kills Bane, Joker will live. Batman fights Bane yet again and Batman ends up stopping Bane’s heart, saving Joker. He quickly repeats the earlier trick and restarts Bane’s heart with Electrocutioner’s gloves. Bane rages and injects himself with even more Venom and Batman must beat him again.

Joker is waiting for Batman in the prison chapel. He is delighting in this confrontation and gives Batman kudos for stopping and restarting Bane’s heart. He had not thought of that loophole. He dares Batman to kill him by pointing out all of the horrible things he had done. Batman easily disarms the Joker and beats the snot out of him. As he punches Joker, he envisions all of the horrible things that Joker did and set in motion. He starts to strangle Joker who simply laughs, finding it all so funny. Batman knocks out the Joker and chooses to spare him as Gordon watches. Gordon is finally convinced of Batman’s honor since he let Joker live even after everything he did. Gordon is set to become the new Commissioner, a promotion he did not believe in until Barbara and Batman convinced him that it might not be hopeless. Later, Joker wakes up strapped to a gurney and revels in the hilarity of Batman once again sparing his life. This was going to be fun.

Poor Unfortunate Souls: Endgame Pt. 7

Genie had provided everybody with a feast fit for royalty which made sense as many of them were royalty. They all ate and tried to remain in good spirits with the fight of their lives ahead of them. In the meantime, the fairies had set about building and enchanting armaments for the group. They all assembled before the portal where everything was laid out on a table. Flora floated over to the table and stood resolute.

“Aurora, step forward, my child,” Flora said and Aurora stepped forward. “You have inherited the Sword of Truth and the Shield of Virtue.” Fauna and Merryweather held them out and Aurora gratefully took them. Light swirled around her and new armor formed on her body. It had red, blue, and green accents. She stepped back into line.

“Aladdin, step forward,” Flora said and Alladin stepped forward. “A simple weapon but trusty in its familiarity. She handed him the familiar scimitar which he had been forced to pick up so many times. He hefted it and swung it a bit before stepping back into place.

“Jasmine, step forward,” Flora said and Jasmine stepped forward. “The simplest of weapons but perhaps the most useful.” She handed Jasmine a long wooden staff which reminded Jasmine of that piece of wood she had used once to vault from roof to roof. She returned to stand with Aladdin.

“Esmerelda, step forward,” Flora said and Esmerelda happily made her way forward. “Rather unwieldy weapons but we trust you.” She handed over a pair of chain whips.

“Have you ever seen me twirl ribbons?” Esmerelda asked. “This will be very similar.”

“Merrida, step forward,” Flora said and Merrida stepped forward. “Yours was an easy request and I know it will feel personal to you.” She held up a carefully crafted wooden bow with accents reminiscent of a bear. Merrida gripped her new bow and instantly leather armor formed over her body complete with a quiver of brand new arrows. She stepped back.to stand with the others.

“Flynn Rider, step forward,” Flora said.

“Eugene, actually,” he said as he stepped up. “You know what? It’s fine. The worlds are about to end, call me anything you want.”

“An ax from the Snuggly Duckling,” Flora said. “Swing true.”

“Thanks!” Flynn said and carried the ax away.

“Rapunzel, step forward,” Flora said and Rapunzel stepped forward. “Your request was strange but far be it from us to second guess a champion.” She held up a frying pan that shimmered with power and had the familiar symbol of her flower. Rapunzel took it with a grateful smile.

“I guess that’s not just for cooking,” Tiana said.

“It’s served me well in the past,” Rapunzel said with a shrug.

“Great, I saw it earlier and wanted one for myself,” Tiana said. “I’ve had to deal with unruly customers that way.”

Tiana stepped forward and received a very similar skillet, emblazoned with the symbol of a frog. She smirked and flipped it and caught it again.

“Naveen, step forward,” Flora said and Naveen stepped forward eagerly. “This was the most peculiar request but if it will help, we were happy to try our best.” She handed Naveen a rifle.

“Um, Naveen darling,” Tiana said. “These people don’t know what a gun is. Do you think it’s wise to show them?”

“Desperate times, Tiana,” Naveen said. “I’m sure nothing bad will come of this.”

“I hope you’re right,” Tiana said. She trusted her husband but did she trust the civilizations of the other worlds? That was a problem for later.

“Anna, step forward,” Flora said and Anna proudly stepped forward with her trademark smile. “A sword in the style of your homeland. It is short but foes who underestimate it do so at their peril, just like you Anna.” Anna took hold of the sword with the Arendelle seal on its hilt. She also grabbed a shield similar to the one Mattias used. She got a metal helmet as well.

“I’m fine with my ice powers,” Elsa said. “But thank you for the offer.”

“Similarly, I suppose I can transform and use my claws,” Adam said. “I’ve come to terms with that.” Belle squeezed his hand encouragingly and he squeezed hers back.

“Last but not least, Belle, please step forward,” Flora said. Belle stepped forward.

“I made this one,” Enchantress said.

“You helped,” Godmother said.

Belle picked up a book bound with leather and iron. She looked around at all of the confused faces and she smiled.

“It’s a book of spells,” Belle said. “A book is the most powerful thing in any world.”

Adam smiled and put his arm around Belle. “My clever wife,” he said.

“I suppose we’re ready,” Jasmine said.

The portal opened and it looked different than before. They could not see the other side and there was a sinister purple-black aura coming off of it. The group gathered their courage.

“Let’s go,” Aurora said.

Media Update 8/4/22

Summer Camp (2015)

This movie seems to be very overlooked as I do not see a lot of hoopla for it online. I never heard of it even as an avid horror movie fan. There is not even a Wikipedia article for the movie which is kind of par for the course. Four American counselors show up to prepare for a summer camp session in Spain to teach local kids English. Things get chaotic when something gets into their environment. The four main characters have really great chemistry together and really carry the movie along well. Diego Boneta plays the somewhat nerdy, kind-hearted guy. Andrés Velencoso plays the playful ladies’ man. Maiara Walsh plays the bouncy, playful girl. Jocelin Donahue plays the straight-laced serious girl. The movie had a lot of twists and turns that I did not expect and the pacing was pretty much perfect. I recommend this movie.

Moonstalker

This is also somehow an obscure movie. While it has a Wikipedia page, I cannot find a good trailer on YouTube for it but I can find the whole movie there for free. This was a purely independent movie in the eighties so that makes sense. A group of young people at a wilderness survival training camp have to deal with the vengeance of a local gone crazy. This is definitely an ensemble piece with few standouts but the hokey acting was great. The deaths were a lot of gory fun. I also like the costuming for the movie’s villain. I recommend this movie.

The Burning

I had heard of this one for a while but finally got access to it so I was happy to watch it since it is so heavily lauded with praise. A group of campers on a canoe trip get stalked by a disfigured camp caretaker with thoughts of revenge. This is the film debut of Jason Alexander, Fisher Stevens, and Holly Hunter. Alexander in particular has a huge role as the class clown camper that everybody looks to for moral support in the crisis. Brian Backer is arguably the hero of the movie as the awkward kid that nobody believes. Brian Matthews is a brave and strong head counselor. Larry Joshua plays the meathead bully. Michelle is the no-nonsense head female counselor. I really liked the brutal gore in the movie which had impressive practical effects. I recommend this movie.

Music of the Week:

Gorillaz – Cracker Island ft. Thundercat

Camila Cabello, Maria Becerra – Hasta Los Dientes

Conan Gray – Disaster

blackbear – queen of broken hearts

Mashup of the Week:

Lil Tarantula – I Knew You Were Trouble

Weekly Update:

• This week’s theme is “Fun at Camp”
• I watched a ton of YouTube and Twitch: Game Grumps, Barry Kramer, Gabi Belle, Attorney Tom, Impact Wrestling, All Elite Wrestling, Cruel World Happy Mind, Emily D. Baker, Super Horror Bro, GTLive, Wendigoon, Conaco, LS Mark
• I watched more Riverdale Season 5
• I watched more Umbrella Academy Season 3
• I watched more The Flash Season 8
• I watched more Legends of Tomorrow Season 6
• I watched more Naomi Season 1
• I started watching Found! Season 1
• I started watching Top Secret UFO Projects: Declassified

Why I Love Pro-Wrestling: The Strange Tale of Bray Wyatt Pt. 1

This is a kayfabe rundown of the character known as Bray Wyatt. Wyatt was portrayed by
Windham Rotunda, son of Mike Rotunda, brother of Bo Dallas, grandson of Blackjack Mulligan, nephew of Kendall and Barry Windham. He is a third-generation pro-wrestler who seems to approach it as much as performance art as an athletic spectacle. His greatest creation to date is the ever-evolving Bray Wyatt, a project that seems to be over as he has left WWE at least for the time being. Sometimes polarizing, Windham never failed to create a reaction. If Bray Wyatt rises again, at least I will have gotten some of the lore down.

The Backwoods Cult Leader

Bray Wyatt first appeared on WWE’s training ground Florida Championship Wrestling. He appeared in what would become his signature style of a fedora hat, Hawaiian shirt, and scruffy beard. On paper, he sounds like a beach bum but Wyatt always had a sinister feel to him. From the very start, Bray Wyatt had the same feel to him as the character of Max Cady from the 1991 version of Cape Fear. Wyatt was menacing but charismatic, not somebody to be taken lightly even though he did not have as impressive of a physique as traditional wrestlers. He is deceptively fast and opportunistic in the ring.

After FCW was rebranded as NXT, Bray Wyatt became more powerful even as he was injured and prevented from wrestling for a time. He recruited two men who he referred to as his first and second sons. They were Luke Harper and Erick Rowan and the trio was known as The Wyatt Family in the styling of The Manson Family. Wyatt’s sons were undyingly loyal to him. They seemed to be unhinged with not a lot going on upstairs besides whatever Wyatt willed them to do. The Wyatt family became a dominant force with Wyatt as the crown jewel of this filthy, dangerous cult. 

The trio debuted in vignettes on Monday Night Raw that introduced the wider world to Wyatt’s message.

Eater of Worlds

When the Wyatt Family made their actual debut on Raw, it became clear that Bray Wyatt was more than just some backwoods cult leader. His words became increasingly more violent and cryptic, like an evil Jim Morrison. He began to refer to himself as the Eater of Worlds, a sort of proclamation that felt like he was the face of a new cosmic horror. He would often have one of his sons carry a rocking chair to the ring for him so that he could sit and watch them destroy their enemies. He would delight in the mayhem and then swoop in to provide the finishing blow before reveling in the violence. At this point, it did not seem to matter if Wyatt and his family won or lost matches. Rather than lose, they would often get disqualified and brutalize their victims anyway. His victory seemed inevitable and he was having fun getting there. He also kept mentioning Sister Abigail (it was also the name of his finishing move) which was a mystery. If opponents wanted to find him, Wyatt said that they could “Follow the Buzzards”. We all know what attracts buzzards and vultures.

Their first feud was with Kane. The Family debuted with an attack on Kane. They continued to attack wrestlers at random all while imploring Kane to come and find them. Kane reemerged and the trio obliterated the usually dominant demon and made him look helpless. They even defeated him in a ring of fire match. After defeating him, they beat Kane down, and kidnapped him, leading to his disappearance for a time. They next went after the happy-go-lucky Kofi Kingston who they also destroyed. 

It was here that The Wyatt Family received their first resistance in the face of the united front of Daniel Bryan and CM Punk. The two were recognized as some of the greatest skilled wrestlers ever with Byan claiming to be the GOAT (Greatest of All Time) and CM Punk claiming to be the Best in the World. Unfortunately for Bryan, CM Punk became distracted by his own problems with the WWE Authority and left the company. The Wyatt Family preyed on Bryan and beat him down until he agreed to join them. The four members continued their reign of terror but eventually, Bryan had enough of being picked on by Harper and Rowan and broke free of Wyatt’s programming.

Soon after this, the Wyatt Family briefly clashed with the Authority’s The Shield by disrupting the Authority’s designs against Bryan, John Cena, and Sheamus. This showed that the Family was villainous but not aligned with the totalitarian leaders of the company. In fact, they ended up helping Daniel Bryan but that was an incidental side effect of their true mission.

The Whole World In His Hands

The Wyatt Family had targetted John Cena. He was the wholesome, G-Rated face of the company. Super Cena always overcame the odds and lived by the phrases “Hustle Loyalty Respect”, “Never Give Up”, and “Rise Above Hate”. He was the perfect target for the Wyatt Family. By this time, the WWE fans were solidly divided between those who loved Cena and those who hated him. Wyatt wanted Cena to finally unleash his inner darkness and constantly tried to goad him into giving in to being a monster. When that did not work, Wyatt went after one of Cena’s few weak points. He went after the hearts and minds of the kids. The fans were divided but the kids always loved Cena and Cena took that to heart. For example, John Cena has consistently broken records at the Make A Wish Foundation. Wyatt caused people to cheer for him and to sing for him. A real battle for the hearts and minds of the WWE fans. He seemed to have a hypnotic power over his growing cult. Members of the cult signified their support by raising their cell phone flashlights in the darkness, referred to as “fireflies”.

The New Face of Fear

Wyatt announced that he had let his sons, Harper and Rowan go. He claimed to have fixed them and they were now free to roam. This allowed Wyatt to focus more on fixing others like he did Rowan and Harper. His efforts were not successful but he left his mark on everybody he feuded with. At this point, he also began to taunt the Undertaker leading up to a casket match at Wrestlemania. After a hellish battle, Undertaker prevailed and Wyatt faded away for the moment.

It was not long before Wyatt returned but he did not return alone. Harper and Rowan returned to the Family, having had their own feuds and adventures. The Family was also joined by Braun Strowman which gave the Wyatt Family even more muscle.

His next big feud was with the legendary Brothers of Destruction. The Wyatt Family targeted the demon Kane first, with Wyatt claiming that he was far more powerful than Hell’s Favorite Demon. The Wyatt Family defeated Kane, beat him down, and then carried him off to parts unknown. Kane disappeared which brought out Kane’s brother, The Undertaker. Unlike so many others, Wyatt was not afraid of The Deadman. He was happy to pit his forces against the supernatural dangers of the famous zombie sorcerer. Kane reemerged and the Wyatt Family faced The Brothers of Destruction. When the Wyatt Family defeated Kane and the Undertaker, Wyatt demonstrated that he had stolen their powers. He had Kane’s power of fire generation and Undertaker’s control over thunder and lightning. 

Bray Wyatt and his Family continued to feud with other groups. This included facing off with The New Day. It was the power of positivity coming into conflict with the sinister Wyatt Family. The two factions were opposites of each other but neither side was willing to back down. It culminated in a horror movie of a match at the Wyatt compound.