LANGUAGE TAG: There is some explicit language in this post. You have been warned.
UPDATE: 10/6/2016 – This was posted around 8 years ago. I notice that traffic still shows up here every so often. It appears to be linked from TV Tropes. I keep this hear in tribute to a night where I laughed myself breathless during a riff session. You might have had to be there. Feel free to explore my blog as it has expanded and grown over the years. The original post is below, unedited.
Now as you may (or may not) know I play a game called Star Pirates. I hang out with a fleet called the Terran Astry. (The name is based off of the webcomic Starslip Crisis, more on that later) In an IRC discussion one night a couple of us got to thinking about the old comic strip “Goofus and Gallant”. You know, the illustrated guide to morality. We thought of something better.
TemporalParadox – Who logged and edited this so I could copy and paste it. Thanks.
GhostCollision – The driving force behind the idea
Kintama – A fleetmate
Mengi – Me
GhostCollision: needless to say I don’t read highlights magazine anymore.
Mengi: Yeah, Goofus and Gallant weren’t *that* good.
GhostCollision: Fuck Goofus, that shithead. And Gallant was just a brainwashed catholic automaton
Mengi: There should have been a third guy who was actually normal.
TemporalParadox: good example, bad example, real example
GhostCollision: Yeah haha
GhostCollision: Goofus, Gallant, and Gus
Mengi: Gus. Perfect.
GhostCollision: Gus is just as mean and bad as goofus, but he’s a lot smarter about it
kintama: wow… you know you’ve been in psychology classes too long when you compare the whole situation to Id, Ego, and Superego
GhostCollision: Gus is like two years older, and goofus and gallant are the twins
GhostCollision: I’d say Goofus is a jerk, with no redeeming qualities, Gallant is a goody two shoes, Gus needs to be overly horny and into drugs, but super cool
Mengi: Goofus is also stupid. Gallant is also naive.
kintama: so goofus is just a little bastard, but gus is more of a bastard in a cool way?
GhostCollision: gus is just more wordly, and two years older
Mengi: Yeah. Like the Fonz.
GhostCollision: Goofus is Daffy Duck, Gallant is Mickey Mouse, and Gus is Bugs.
GhostCollision: Or, a stable of girls that start with G
TemporalParadox: Geena, Gloria, Gwen…
GhostCollision: Goofus breaks a lamp with a baseball. Gallant tells on Goofus to Mom and Dad. Gus beats the shit out of Gallant and takes his bike.
GhostCollision: Goofus shoots a squirrel with a BB Gun. Gallant gives the squirrel a proper burial service. Gus shoots Gallant with the BB Gun.
GhostCollision: Goofus spends his birthday money on an R-rated movie. Gallant saves his money in the Bank. Gus spends his on a fake ID/tips for strippers
GhostCollision: Goofus takes the last apple. Gallant shares his orange. Gus wants to show you his banana.
Mengi: Goofus runs with scissors pointing up. Gallant walks with scissors pointing down. Gus trips Goofus.
GhostCollision: Goofus walks his muddy shoes in the house. Gallant wipes his feet before he comes in. Gus wears Gallant’s shoes before he tracks shit inside.
GhostCollision: Goofus makes fun of the girls for having cooties. Gallant plays nicely with the girls at school. Gus films Gallant playing with dolls and posts it on the internet.
(TemporalParadox: Gus gives the girls “cooties.”)
(kintama: Gus gets cooties from the dirty little skank by the swingset)
Mengi: When Goofus falls and skins his knee he gets up angry. When Gallant gets up from skinning his knee he’s smiling. Gus sold Gallant the oxycontin.
GhostCollision: Goofus doesn’t turn in his assignments. Gallant always turns his in on time. Gus turns in his teacher for sexual molestation of a minor.
(TemporalParadox: Gus turns in his teacher for sexual molestation of Gallant.)
GhostCollision: Goofus eats his dessert before his dinner. Gallant waits till he is done with dinner before dessert. Gus has already eaten Gallant’s dessert.
GhostCollision: Goofus wants to be a fireman when he grows up. Gallant likes firemen. Gus plays fireman with the girls from school.
(TemporalParadox: doctor. GhostCollision: Damn.)
GhostCollision: Goofus never feeds the cat. Gallant makes sure his has water and food daily. Gus is a pussy expert.
GhostCollision: Goofus is a dick. Gallant likes dick. Gus will show you his dick for a tenner.
kintama: Goofus plays metal on an electric guitar. Gallant only plays classical guitar. Gus only plays the girls.
Mengi: Goofus says, “Your mom should really stay home!” Gallant says, “It’s nice that your mom’s a lawyer” Gus says, “Your mom should come by my place later”
GhostCollision: Goofus says, “MY Dad has a speedboat.” Gallant says, “Want to come out on my sailboat this weekend?” Gus says, “I’d like to motorboat you, toots.”
GhostCollision: Goofus never says sorry. Gallant is never crabby. Gus is sorry about the crabs.
kintama: Goofus pees all over the toilet seat. Gallant pees sitting down like a girl. Gus burns when he pees.
GhostCollision: Goofus tore a hole in his pants. Gallant keeps his pants spotless. Gus isn’t wearing pants.
GhostCollision: Goofus is cruel to dogs. Gallant is nice to dogs. Gus thinks it would be nice to do it doggy style.
TemporalParadox: Goofus leaves the tools lying out. Gallant is a tool. The girls love Gus’s tool.
kintama: Goofus wouldn’t be caught dead skipping. Gallant skips around town. Gus skips foreplay.
GhostCollision: Goofus: “Give me your gameboy or I won’t be your friend.” Gallant: “Here, friend, want to share my gameboy?” Gus: “Come on, don’t be a bitch. Mary let me see hers…”
kintama: Goofus gives his teachers headaches. Gallant gives his friends cookies. Gus gives his dog herpes.
TemporalParadox: Goofus sleeps with gum in his mouth. Gallant sleeps with his retainer in his mouth. Gus sleeps with Geena in his mouth.
GhostCollision: Goofus is a bully. Gallant gets beat up by bullies. Gus would like to sell you a watch.
(TemporalParadox: Gus wants to show you his bully.)
Mengi: Goofus skips gardening to watch tv. Gallant loves gardening, even the weeding. Gus wants to sell you some weed.
GhostCollision: Goofus gets D’s in class. Gallant gets A’s in class. Gus gets ass in class.
(Mengi: Gus is glad the teacher leans forward so much.
TemporalParadox: Gus gets the teacher’s DDs in class.)
TemporalParadox: Goofus leaves his teacher in a wreck after class. Gallant leaves his teacher pleased after class. Gus leaves his teacher wrecked, but pleased.
GhostCollision: Goofus is a pain in the ass. Gallant is pleasant and helpful. Gus is behind you.
GhostCollision: Goofus stays out in the rain. Gallant like the sound of rain. Gus likes to make it rain.
GhostCollision: Goofus should mind his own business. Gallant should open a business. Gus should stop giving my daughter the business.
kintama: Goofus pushes the girl Maria. Gallant trips over her innocently, exclaiming “Didn’t see ya!” Gus gave her gonorrhea.
GhostCollision: SOULJA BOY
TemporalParadox: Goofus cranks it. Gallant rolls. Gus supermans that hoe.
GhostCollision: Goofus stops. Gallant drops. Gus rolls.
GhostCollision: Goofus will die lonely. Gallant will die rich. Gus is immortal. (Last panel is him tripping on acid or something)
kintama: Goofus hits Gallant with a pitch. Gallant leaves the game, needing a stitch. Gus is under the bleachers, screwing some bitch.
(kintama: *screwing that Geena bitch.)
GhostCollision: Gallant excels in class. Goofus isn’t going to pass. Gus is outside smoking grass.
GhostCollision: Goofus drives a beat up Pacer. Gallant drives a nice clean Prius. Gus drives your wife.
TemporalParadox: Goofus kicks dogs. Gallant pets dogs. Gus makes Gloria bark like a dog.
GhostCollision: Goofus has memorized the dialogue from Spaceballs. Gallant has memorized Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle. Gus is too busy giving your girlfriend hepatitis.
TemporalParadox: Goofus crosses the picket line. Gallant goes on strike. Gus knocked off two months before it was declared.
GhostCollision: Goofus collects hood ornaments. Gallant collects stamps. Gus collects booty calls.
GhostCollision: Goofus makes girls cry. Gallant makes girls smile. Gus makes girls moan.
kintama: Goofus, while in the museum, lets out a loud fart. Gallant feels that it isn’t appropriate around all the art. Meanwhile, Gus’ member finds where Geena’s legs part.
(TemporalParadox: Gus’s member makes Geena’s legs part.)
TemporalParadox: Goofus eats candy. Gallant eats vegetables. Gus eats Gwen.
GhostCollision: Goofus looks up swearwords in the dictionary. Gallant looks up at the night sky to see comets. Gus looks up Geena’s skirt.
Mengi: Goofus loves low comedies. Gallant loves high dramas. Gus loves screwing Geena in the dressing room.
GhostCollision: Goofus is going to London to drink and watch soccer. Gallant is going to Paris to drink wine and visit the Louvre. Gus is going to Thailand.
kintama: Goofus got removed from the theatre for theatre hopping. Gallant got removed from the living room because it was past his bedtime. Gus got removed from the boyscouts for eating a brownie.
GhostCollision: Goofus joined the army to kill some ragheads. Gallant joined the Air Force to protect our country. Gus joined NORML for advice on his hydroponic setup.
kintama: Goofis likes hitting people upside the head. Gallant likes using his head. Gus likes head.
GhostCollision: Goofus takes other people’s things. Gallant spends weekends learning to sing. Gus started a local prostitution ring.
TemporalParadox: Goofus plays with his action figures in the mud. Gallant keeps them in unopened boxes. Gus doesn’t play with dolls.
Mengi: Goofus plays with himself. Gallant plays Hamlet. Gus plays with Geena, Gwen, Grace, etc.
GhostCollision: Everyone asks Goofus to leave them alone. Everyone asks Gallant for help on their homework. Everyone asks Gus how he got so fly.
TemporalParadox: Goofus argues with the umpire. Gallant accepts the ruling. Gus beats the ump with his bat.
GhostCollision: Goofus has a box full of frogs. Gallant has a box full of stamps. Gus fills Geena’s box after school.
Mengi: Goofus loves watching horror films. Gallant covers his eyes. Gus knows what Horror films are really good for.
(GhostCollision: Gus takes notes)
kintama: Goofus beats his dog Rover. Gallant finds a four leaf clover. Gus says “Bitch! Bend over!”
Mengi: Goofus sleeps behind the barn. Gallant pitches in in the fields. Gus and Geena take a roll in the hay.
TemporalParadox: Goofus chews hay. Gallant pitches hay. Gus and Geena roll in the hay.
TemporalParadox: Goofus plays hooky. Gallant plays in the marching band. Gus plays the girls.
kintama: Goofus wants your respect. Gallant wants your praise. Gus doesn’t give a fuck what you think.
TemporalParadox: Goofus doesn’t wash his hands. Gallant keeps his fingernails clean. Gus knows how to wash the lube off.
GhostCollision: Goofus spit on your daughter’s face. Gallant spit shined your daughter’s shoes. Gus told your daughter to swallow.
Mengi: Goofus just keyed your car. Gallant buffed it out again. Gus sold your car for a hefty profit.
kintama: Goofus keeps firecrackers in a cigar case. Gallant keeps bandaids on him just in case. Gus likes to finish on Geena’s face.
GhostCollision: Goofus likes lions. Gallant likes giraffes. Gus likes beaver.
TemporalParadox: Goofus subscribes to Playboy for the pictures. Gallant takes it for the articles. Gus takes it to spank Gladys with.
TemporalParadox: Goofus pulls Geena’s hair. Gallant just loves Gloria’s hair. Gus shaved off Gwen’s hair.
Mengi: Goofus voted Democrat. Gallant voted Republican. Gus fucked Geena in the voting booth.
GhostCollision: Goofus calls asian kids “chink”. Gallant puts dirty dishes in the sink. Gus tells Grace “Two in the pink, one in the stink.”
Mengi: Goofus: “I’m right and your wrong” Gallant: “We’re both entitled to our opinions” Gus: “Who gives a fuck?”
GhostCollision: Goofus was Batman for Halloween. Gallant was a witch for Halloween. Gus has a website called “Gallant the homosexual witch.”
kintama: Goofus gives his elders sass. Gallant prays for him in mass. Meanwhile, Gus is tappin’ ass.
GhostCollision: Goofus bought Gwen a tulip. Gallant bought Grace a rose. Gus bought Geena an abortion.
TemporalParadox: Goofus makes mud pies. Gallant makes apple pies. Gus makes creampies.
GhostCollision: Goofus carries a backpack. Gallant carries a Merse. Gus carries ribbed condoms.
Mengi: Goofus sneaks a cookie after bedtime. Gallant asks politely for a glass of water. Gus is down the road at the strip club.
GhostCollision: Goofus drinks soda. Gallant drinks milk. Gus drinks straight tequila.
kintama: Goofus thinks Geena is annoying. Gallant thinks she’s a princess. Gus knows she’s a skanky hoe (because he helped make her one)
GhostCollision: Goofus makes Geena cry. Gallant makes her a birdhouse. Gus makes her pregnant.
(GhostCollision: or makes her beg)
kintama: Goofus makes Geena cry. Gallant makes her smile. Gus makes her try it in the butt.
GhostCollision: Goofus makes her cry, Gallat makes her smile, Gus makes her beg
Mengi: Goofus eats oreos and watches tv. Gallant keeps up a strict exercise regimen. Gus photographs Gallant with his trainer, Greg.
TemporalParadox: Goofus only sees a doctor when something’s falling off. Gallant goes for six-month checkups. Gus goes to bribe Geena’s ob/gyn.
GhostCollision: Goofus plays xbox for hours. Gallant cultivates his flowers. Gus is with Geena in the shower.
GhostCollision: Goofus flipped his bike. Gallant flipped his flapjacks. Gus flipped me off.
GhostCollision: Goofus likes to Crabwalk. Gallant likes to Foxtrot. Gus likes to Donkeypunch.
Mengi: Goofus owes me 50 bucks. Gallant always pays his debts. I owe Gus 50 for the weed.
kintama: Goofus steals money, but won’t give it to anybody. Gallant gives his money to charity, and then earns more. Gus gives Geena a coathanger to deal with the pregnancy, because bitch ain’t gettin’ his money!
TemporalParadox: Goofus doesn’t want to pay for SP. Gallant plays responsibly with Notorious status. Gus is notorious in bed.
GhostCollision: Goofus is a shrimp. Gallant is a wimp. Gus is a pimp.
Mengi: Goofus: “I’ll only put it in for a minute” Gallant: “I respect your decision” Gus: “Hold onto something tight”
GhostCollision: Goofus: “Hold this.” Gallant: “Look at this.” Gus: “Bite down on this.”
kintama: Goofus: “But all the other girls are doing it!” Gallant: “If you’re not ready, that’s fine.” Gus: “Bitch, did i ASK you for your thoughts?”
GhostCollision: Goofus: “Mm, oreos.” Gallant: “Mm, carrot sticks.” Gus: “Mm, jailbait.”
Mengi: Goofus: “I’ll be a clown” Gallant: “I’ll walk the tightrope” Gus: “I’ll scalp the tickets”
TemporalParadox: Goofus likes the Timbertoes. Gallant likes that one with the good and bad examples. Gus likes the weed he rolls in it.
kintama: Goofus: “Clowns are stupid” Gallant: “Clowns are funny!” Gus: “Even I find what Manuel does to be in bad taste….”
GhostCollision: Goofus likes chocolate. Gallant likes ho-hos. Gus like’s chocolate hos.
TemporalParadox: Goofus: “Clowns are funny.” Gallant: “Clowns are scary.” Gus: “Manuel is just sick.”
Mengi: Goofus: “I’m gonna throw up” Gallant: “I’ll never look at clowns the same way again” Gus: “Man I could try that on Geena”
TemporalParadox: Goofus reads Chainsawsuit. Gallant reads Checkerboard Nightmare. Gus lives Ichor Falls.
Mengi: Goofus reads CAD. Gallant reads Family Circus. Gus reads Starslip Crisis (or whatever).
TemporalParadox: Goofus reads comic books. Gallant reads comic strips. Gus goes to a strip club called the Comic.
GhostCollision: Goofus eats paste. Gallants glues bird feeders. Gus huffs glue.
TemporalParadox: Goofus uses plastic wrap. Gallant keeps a condom in his wallet. Gus already has everything, and doesn’t care who gets it.
TemporalParadox: Goofus reads Menage a 3. Gallant reads XKCD. Gus “reads” Anders Loves Maria.