Ho Ho Hello Satan! – A Gingerdead Man/Letters to Satan Claus Story

Mary Findlemeyer slaved away in her kitchen once again. She was so tired of repeatedly performing this ritual but she would not give up on her son. This was the fourth time she had resurrected her son and she feared she would not have it in her to do it a fifth time. Her son, Millard Findlemeyer, had been a psychotic killer in life but he had been her psychotic killer. He had been gunned down by police while in the middle of a robbery at a bakery. Mary had used some of his ashes to bake him into a new body made of gingerbread. The resulting murder spree had gone well until her son had been killed again. Thus they had worked together to try to get Millard another human body so he could return to top form. That also had not gone well. Twice. It was time for a change.

Mary’s kitchen timer went off and she turned off the oven and opened it up. She grabbed the cookie sheet and pulled her son out of the oven. She watched as his eyes opened. He looked confused at first but the realization of his situation once again dawned in his eyes. He remained silent as Mary used a spatula to extricate him from the cookie sheet. Once he was on his feet, he started checking that he once again had all of his correct parts in place and stretched his doughy form a bit.

“Thanks, Ma,” the Gingerdead Man said. “Hot and fresh out of the oven! I’m ready to kill and kill again. Where are we?”

“I had to leave the country after summoning your soul back to the ashes after the time travel debacle,” Mary said disappointedly. “We’re in Canada.”

“Canada sucks!” Millard said. “Look, Ma, I’m sorry about the time travel thing. Time travel is confusing.”

“I don’t blame you, my dear,” Mary said with a smile. “It’s those that stand in your way that I blame. Also, it does not help that you’re only a few inches tall. That part is on me.”

“Oh, Ma, without your magic I’d be shit out of luck,” Millard said. “Though, I really would like to have a human body again. There’s so many things I miss like being able to strangle people.”

“Strangling people is pleasant,” Mary said. “We’ll get you back to strangling soon. However, we have to try a different tactic. You need help.”

“I work alone, Ma,” Millard said sullenly, his tiny eyes narrowing. “Admittedly because I piss people off and kill whoever I work with.” He gave a tiny shrug.

“Well, this time we’ll have to make an exception,” Mary said. “I’m summoning Satan.”

“Satan, huh?” Millard said with a little cookie grin. “That actually sounds kind of cool. The big guns. So do it already, summon him up.”

“What makes you think it’s a he?” Mary asked. “Besides, I already did it. I sent a letter. Satan should be here any minute.”

“Of course Satan’s a dude,” Millard said. “He’s gotta be a man.”

There was a sudden flash of heat and fire and a demonic-looking thing was standing there. It was wearing a red and white robe with a Santa hat. Satan looked rather androgynous but there was something that vaguely tipped the scales toward feminine that Millard could not put his doughy finger on.

“Actually,” Satan said in a woman’s voice. “I can be whatever I want and this form pleases me lately. It freaks out a lot of the Men’s Rights guys. Hilarious. So your letter proposed a deal?”

“What’s with the Christmas get-up?” Millard asked, interrupting the flow of conversation.

Satan sighed and put hands on her hips. “It’s Christmastime again and I’m in a festively murderous mood,” she said.

“Amen to that!” Millard yelled out. “This is a chick that I can really get behind!”

“That’s why we summoned you here, oh great Satan,” Mary said. “We wanted to pledge ourselves to your service in order to get my son a human body again.”

Satan thought about this. “Hmm that is interesting,” Satan said. “I am still stewing over something that happened last Christmas that I want revenge for. I’ll offer you a deal. Come with me back to the town of Ornaments. It’s not far from here. I have to abide by certain rules but you are decidedly rule-free. Kill everyone dear to Holly Frost and then finish by killing her and I will install you in a human body. There are plenty of hunks in Ornaments to choose from.”

“That sounds like fun,” Millard said. “You’ve got yourself a deal.” He rubbed his little hands together.

“Shall we?” Satan asked, extending a hand to the little cookie man.

“Yeah,” Millard said. “Let’s do it. Don’t wait up, Ma!” He grabbed her hand and they were gone in a flash.

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