You’re Doing It Wrong – A Hellblazer/Ghostbusters Story

John Constantine climbed out of the New York City taxi on Moore Street and handed the cash over and had the cabbie keep the change. He suddenly missed London and his good buddy Chas. Still, New York City had been his home away from home and it had accumulated as many dark memories as London had. It seemed that New York definitely had its own history of being a nexus for all sorts of nasty things. The demon Mnemoth in particular had made for a particularly nasty trip to the Big Rotten Apple. He wondered how much dust had accumulated in his old apartment. He had no time to think about that now. He had business to attend to.

He walked up to what used to be a fire station but now it had a big sign with a cartoon ghost with a big red line through it. Absolutely, ridiculous. The sign said “Ghostbusters” and these must be the people that John had heard about in the news. He had also felt the disturbance that these people had caused. He did not stop to ring the bell, he just pushed open the door and stepped right inside.

“Right, who can I talk to who runs this establishment?” Constantine called out. “I have a complaint.”

“Welcome to Ghostbusters. My name is Janine. Our service contract comes with a hold harmless agreement and we are not liable for property damage. Do you have a warrant or other writ?” A woman with red hair said almost in one breath like it had been rehearsed.

“I don’t bloody well have a writ,” Constantine said. “I’ve got a complaint.”

“What is the nature of your complaint?” Janine asked.

“You’re doing it wrong,” Constantine said.

“Excuse me?” Janine asked.

“You heard me,” Constantine said. “The name’s John Constantine. Who can I talk to?”

A serious-looking, bespectacled man walked into the room and stopped to look at Constantine.

Janine turned to look at the man. “Egon,” she said. “This man has a complaint. He says we’re doing it wrong.”

“I’ll talk to him.” Egon said. “I’m curious.”

“Should I call Venkman in too?” Janine asked.

“Dear god no,” Egon said. “We all remember how he ruined us with Peck. Could you go to Winston’s office and ask him to come to my office? Come with me, Mr. Constantine.”

Janine quickly walked deeper into the building while Constantine followed Egon to his office. John settled into a chair in front of the desk. They did not have to wait long for Winston to walk in. He took a chair and moved it to the side of Egon’s desk.

“My name is Dr. Egon Spengler, head of research. This is Winston Zeddemore, our head trainer,” Egon said. “Winston, this is John Constantine.”

“It’s Constantine, actually,” Constantine said. “It’s pronounced Constantine.”

“Right, Mr. Constantine has some critiques of our process,” Egon said.

“Is that right?” Winston asked. “I mean, we’re kind of the experts at this ghostbusting thing but we’re always open to new ideas.”

“I don’t mean to insult you blokes,” Constantine said. “But you’re doing it wrong.”

“You have a funny way of not insulting people,” Winston said.

“You said that before,” Egon said. “Enlighten me as to what that means.”

“Well, I’ve dealt with my own share of ghosts and demons but I don’t go blowing up buildings if I can help it,” Constantine said. “You’ve blown up at least two and that bloody statue.”

“This is the first time that we’ve met a competitor,” Egon said. “And you’re willing to compare notes? Are you using a similar proton stream?”

“What? Those glowy guns you lot used on the news?” Constantine asked. “God no, most of the time I solve the problem by conning them. When that fails, I use magic.”

“Magic?” Winston asked. “Really?”

“I would have dismissed such claims previously,” Egon said. “After Viggo, my mind has been opened somewhat. Still, I’ve yet to see a human being perform feats of magic.”

“I could show you,” Constantine said. “If you promise not to pull out your guns all willy nilly.”

The two Ghostbusters nodded and Egon gestured for Constantine to proceed. Constantine stood up to give himself room. He gestured.

“Exsurge, Sanctus! In nomine creatoris! Surge!” Constantine called out. There was a bright light and a brightly glowing ghost suddenly in the office.

Egon pulled out his PKE meter and scanned the ghost.

“That is definitely a ghost,” Egon said. “Impressive.”

“Where did he come from?” Winston asked.

“Thank you for not saying ‘it’,” Constantine said. “Instead of shooting first, why don’t we ask this poor bloke. Hey, who are you?”

“Albert Fleisher,” the ghost said. “I died in the subway below.”

“Well, Al,” Constantine said. “Would you like to move on?”

“Very much so,” Albert said.

Constantine gestured again. “In the name of the Creator, you are hereby commanded to leave this place. By the blood of Man, be not and be gone!,” Constantine called out. “Ab insidiis diaboli, libera nos, Domine!”

The ghost faded away with a grateful look on his face.

“That’s the thing, gentlemen,” Constantine said. “There aren’t any good guys, and there aren’t any bad guys. There’s just us. people. Doing our best to get by. Most ghosts just want to move on.”

“Shit,” Winston said. “Would you be willing to consult with us?”

“Agreed,” Egon said. I would love to study your methods.”

“I think I can swing sticking around for a bit,” Constantine said with a smile.

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2 Responses to “You’re Doing It Wrong – A Hellblazer/Ghostbusters Story”

  1. Liam Says:

    I’m not familiar with the character John Constantine, but I like the idea of the Ghostbusters having a competitor.

    Like

    • Wolf of Words Says:

      Mr. Constantine has been in DC comic books since 1988, usually dealing more with characters like Swamp Thing and Sandman rather than the superhero types. His comic books were adapted to a Keanu Reeves movie in 2005. He got a TV show in 2014 and then made appearances on Legends of Tomorrow. Highly recommend any of it.

      Liked by 1 person

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