Zombie Beach Party – A Buffy the Vampire Slayer/ Veronica Mars/iZombie Story

Clive Babineaux was a little out of his element. It was not the supernatural elements surrounding him on a daily basis that was strange. It was the sun and surf of southern California that was alien to him. He had spent so much time in Seattle and then New Seattle. Neptune was an entirely different place but it seemed that they were experiencing similar problems to what he had seen up north. There were zombies here too but they seemed like a different kind entirely. They were not caused by Utopium and they did not retain their intelligence. That made things easier. Of course, there were far worse things than zombies around. Vampires, demons, werewolves, and so much more. It was a lot to adapt to even if Clive was good at adapting.

When things had started to go down in Neptune, Clive, Ravi, and Liv had been loaned out to help handle the crisis. The three of them had plenty of experience in chaotic paranormal situations. For example, at one point or another, all three of them had been zombies. Major Lilywhite had insisted on coming with them and Clive was not about to turn him down as long as he stayed out of the way and did not get them jammed up. He trusted all three of his friends but they were no longer operating under the radar. This was official.

“We’re almost there,” Riley Finn said. “Get ready. I don’t know what we’re going to find down there.”

“We’re going to find whoever set off that distress signal,” Major said. 

“For better or for worse,” Clive said. “I hope they’re still alive.”

“I choose to believe they are,” Major said. “We’re not going to be too late.”

“I agree with Major,” Riley said. “We have to stay positive. No good ever came from imagining the worst.”

“You’re right,” Clive said. “At least, I hope you are. We just have to be ready for the worst.”

“Oh we are,” Riley said. “All three of us are well-trained for this kind of operation.”

Riley had been shipped into Neptune from Washington, DC. He had explained that he worked for the United States Army in operations designed to keep the supernatural out of the public eye while also safeguarding humans. He was young but Clive could see that he had seen a lot of service. There was a loss of innocence that came with seeing a lot of violence and danger. Clive recognized that look as the same one he saw in the mirror sometimes. Clive guessed that there was more to Riely’s story than he was willing to admit but wouldn’t push unless it was necessary. It probably had to do with that Summers woman and her friends who had also shown up. Clive was sure that there would be a briefing as soon as things settled down a little.

Their truck pulled off of the highway and toward some bungalows that looked like they were usually rented by tourists and surfers. As soon as the truck stopped, all three men wordlessly climbed out and pulled out their firearms. They all had their thumbs on their safeties, ready to go. They walked toward the bungalows. The first thing that was apparent was the large amount of dead bodies lying on the beach, some of them halfway in the surf. It caused a truly terrible stench but nobody had the heart to complain about it. 

“Where do you think the signal came from?” Major asked.

“If it were nighttime I would say whichever place has their lights still on,” Clive said. 

“How about we check doors and windows,” Riley said. “If they’re not secured, it’s likely that somebody is inside who needs our help.”

“I like the way you think,” Clive said. “Sounds like a plan.”

The three of them started to make their way among the bungalows. They all had their guns held in front of them but pointed at the ground. They did not want to shoot anybody innocent or each other by accident. They kept checking the windows and doors and most of them looked broken. Finally, they came upon a bungalow that looked locked up tight. They all looked at each other and then Major and Clive looked at Riley. He was pretty much in charge here. Clive stood to one side of the door and knocked.

“US Army, my name is Riley Finn,” Riley called out. “We’re here to help.”

There was a long silence.

“Thank God,” a voice said. “I’ve been stuck here like for forever.”

“Sir, we need to get you out of here,” Riley said. “This area is not safe. We have a compound that we can take you to. We need you to open the door.”

“I don’t know,” the voice said.

“What’s your name?” Clive asked. “My name is Clive Babineaux. I’m a cop.”

“Dick Casablancas,” the voice said. “No offense dude but my family doesn’t have the best relationship with the law.”

“No offense dude but you don’t have a lot of other options,” Riley said. “We need to get out of here.”

“Too late,” Major said. 

He gestured over to the beach where they saw the dead bodies start to get up off of the sand. The mindless zombies started to shamble toward the bungalow. The three had no choice but to make a stand. They started to fire at the advancing horde. The going was slow but they were holding them off. Except there were so many of them, far more than any of them had imagined. This looked like a losing battle but there was no escape route to be seen. Just as they were making peace with going down swinging, a zombie’s head exploded. None of them had fired that shot. One by one, the zombies’ heads exploded from perfect kill shots. The three of them renewed their fight and it was not long before they were victorious. 

After it was all over, a man stepped out of hiding carrying a sniper rifle. The man had a grim, neutral expression. He was clearly all business and just as clearly an experienced combatant.

“Clarence Wiedman,” the man said as an introduction. He abruptly shot apart the lock of the bungalow. “We need to get moving.”

Advertisement

Young Runaways – An Amalgam Story

The Circle Q store was empty and quiet in the middle of the day. Well, there was some music playing but the speaker was kind of busted and it was hard to make out. It ended up being mostly white noise. Most kids were in school and most adults were at work at this time so it was a fairly conspicuous time to shop. However, the clerk seemed completely uninterested in whoever came through the front door. They barely looked up from their book when the bell jingled and had kept equally motionless for what seemed like forever. 

“Would you hurry up, Molly?” Gertrude Hex asked. She had her hands on her hips and was beyond getting impatient. “This always happens. We need to get going.”

Molly Kent shrugged and looked up at Gert with annoyance. “You said I could only get one candy bar,” Molly said. “Do you not understand the position you’ve put me in? How can I choose?” Molly threw up her hands in frustration and Gert correctly interpreted this as mostly theater for Gert’s benefit.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Gert said. “It’s about to be zero candy bars if you don’t hurry up.”

“The other guys aren’t even back with the van yet,” Molly said. “We have time.” The young girl was just as stubborn as a normal young girl aged eleven. It was easy to forget that she had been grown in a lab. 

“We should be outside and waiting when they come back,” Gert said. “We need to keep moving. We can’t get caught.”

“Relax,” Molly said. “You freaking out in a convenience store isn’t really keeping a low profile. You’re also making me anxious. You gotta go with the flow. Everything is going to be fine.”

“We’re on the run from our supervillain parents,” Gert said. “That’s not really conducive to my relaxation.”

“If they catch us, what’s the worst they do?” Molly asked. “Our parents love us.”

“They said they love us,” Gert said. “But they’ve lied about so much stuff it’s hard to believe in anything they have ever said. If they said the sun rose in the east, I’d look for it in the west. I’ll tell you what our parents would do if they caught us. They would make sure that we would never see each other again.”

That gave Molly pause. “They wouldn’t,” she said. “They’re all a team. We would have to see each other now and then even by accident.”

“Your parents are crazy powerful psychics,” Gert said. “Or have you forgotten?”

“I remember,” Molly said. “What’s your point?”

“The night we left, they had put you into a deep sleep with their telepathic powers,” Gert said. “They’ve already messed with your head without your permission. What’s to say that they won’t make you forget about me and the rest of the guys?” Not to mention that Gert’s folks could just grab her and time-travel her away. All of their parents had methods available to punish their children.

“They wouldn’t,” Molly said softly, suddenly very upset.

“Are you sure about that?” Gert asked. “Really sure?”

Molly stayed quiet and stared at the candy bar display. Gert watched the young girl and felt a little bad about upsetting her. It was hard enough being on the road all of the time. They should not make each other feel bad on top of that.

Gert sighed. “You can get two candy bars,” Gert said. “Just this once.”

Molly instantly brightened and grabbed two candy bars and headed toward the front counter. Gert rolled her eyes and followed. Gert pulled out some cash to pay for the candy and her own iced tea. She paid for everything and the two of them stepped back outside. No sooner had they exited than they heard a roar.

“That’s the other reason to stay calm,” Molly said matter-of-factly. “You’re going to freak out Old Lace.”

“So much for keeping a low profile,” Gert said, already running toward the sound of her pet dinosaur. She reached out through her mind link with the beast to see what was wrong. She saw it through the dinosaur’s eyes a few moments before they rounded the corner. So it was only Molly who gasped. There was Old Lace facing down a strange craggy monster. As usual, the deinonychus was holding its own. “Stand down Old Lace! That thing is not our problem.”

“I think it kind of is,” Molly said. “It looks like it could hurt people.”

“Hopefully the others hear this and come quick then,” Gert said. “We’ve only got you and Old Lace.”

“I’m more than enough,” Molly said and started toward the fight. Old Lace acknowledged Molly’s approach and made room.

It was at this point that the monster picked up a car and hurled it toward Molly and Gert. Molly rushed forward and caught the car in midair. Seeing the girl’s small frame accomplishing such feats of strength was always awe-inspiring. Gert hung back, being a second set of eyes for Old Lace. Molly through the car back at the monster but the car just impacted and fell to one side. Molly moved in and punched the monster hard, sending it flying into a brick wall. Once again, the monster seemed unfazed.

The monster ran and jumped, looking to flatten Molly with a belly flop. Molly tensed and readied her self to try to catch the monster but she was suddenly several yards away next to the robotic Impulse.

‘Victor!” Molly yelled. “You saved me.”

“Happy to do it,” Victor said.

They both looked up to see their friends Amethyst Minoru and Karolina Sandsmark flying through the air. Karolina focused and created a lasso made of light and used it to trap the monster. The monster struggled. Amethyst focused her magic through the Staff of One and a yawning abyss opened beneath the monster. It dropped out of sight and then the portal was gone.

“What was that?” Karolina asked.

“I don’t know,” Gert said. “Do you think our parents sent it?”

“I didn’t get that read,” Amethyst said. “But maybe Tim will have a better idea when they get here with the van. Either way, we need to get going.”

“Where did you send that thing?” Victor asked.

“I sent it to the JLAvengers,” Amethyst said. “Let them deal with it. They’re more than capable.”

Xandar Reborn – A Marvel Cinematic Universe Story

Much of the galaxy had been wrecked by Thanos’ quest for the Infinity Gems. Here and there, people tried to stand against him but Thanos and his Black Order were too strong. The Guardians of the Galaxy, the Avengers, the Asgardians, and more had failed to survive against his might. Even the Kree and the Skrulls had briefly set aside their ancient feud to protect themselves, laying low as not to draw Thanos’ ire. All of space itself shuddered as Thanos gained the power of the Infinity Stones. 

Rhomann Dey had been just one of the thousands of members of the Nova Corps, staunch defenders of civilization and freedom. They were the law in many sectors of space and they took that responsibility seriously. Rhomann was stationed on Xandar which was the heart of the Nova Corps and their headquarters. Rhomann had trained on Xandar and had risen up the ranks rather quickly. He had a fierce determination and loyalty that was hard to extinguish. He was never going to stop when it came to protecting defenseless people.

Rhomann had been there on Xandar when the rogue Kree religious zealot Ronan the Accuser had attacked Xandar with the promise that he would destroy the planet with the purple infinity stone. It was then that Rhomann had seen the Guardians of the Galaxy again. He had been present when the group had been arrested but not present for their prison break. Like many in the Nova Corps, he had thought that the Guardians were a bunch of misfit criminals. After watching them help save Xandar, his mind changed. He had watched several of his fellow Corps members die but they had successfully defended the planet.

It felt like deja vu when Thanos attacked Xandar looking for the purple infinity stone. The thing was locked in a vault deep in Nova Corps central headquarters. There was no way that they were going to let a maniac like Thanos have that powerful of an artifact without putting up a fight. This time, the Guardians of the Galaxy were not present and there was no desperate and crazy plan. Instead, there was a fighting force made up of well-trained and well-armed soldiers.

They never stood a chance. Thanos and his forces plowed through the Nova Corps in a very bloody and chaotic battle. Rhomann was stationed at the vault and was forced to maintain his post while the battle raged.

“They need our help out there,” Rhomann said. “Our brothers and sisters are dying out there.”

“You don’t need to remind me,” Kaena said. “It’s hard to be here but, if it comes to it, we have to do what’s necessary. You took an oath to the Corps. You better not turn back on it now.”

“I won’t,” Rhomann said. “I’m no maverick or a deserter.”

There were explosions in the hallway and Rhomann readied himself and looked over at Kaena who was also getting ready. 

Thanos himself walked into the room and grinned. “I take it that the stone is inside of that vault. I’d promise your safety if you step aside but that would be a lie.”

“This is as far as you go, Thanos,” Rhomann said. “We’re about to do the universe a favor getting rid of you.” 

The two soldiers looked at each other and nodded. They both turned their keys in the console in front of them. A light flashed, symbolizing a brief countdown. The government of Xandar and the Nova Corp had planted a powerful warhead in the vault with the infinity stone. If Thanos got this far, they would attempt to destroy the stone and Thanos to prevent further destruction. It was quite a sacrifice and nobody knew what would happen when the bomb went off. Rhomann was about to find out.

The bomb exploded and the room was filled with a purple light. Rhomann could not see what happened to Thanos and his minions or even Kaena. He found himself being launched through the air like he had been hit by a spaceship at full speed. As he was caught up in the strange purple energy, he thankfully blacked out.

The next thing Rhomann experienced was a slow beeping sound which he soon recognized as a device monitoring his life signs. That meant that he was miraculously still alive. He also realized that his eyes were closed. He tried to open them and found that they were bandaged shut. He tore at the bandages.

“Oh my!” A voice called out. “He’s awake doctor!”

“Please calm down, Rhomann,” a voice said. “I’m your doctor. My name is Como Caloo.”

“Where am I?” Rhomann asked.

“You’re in the New Xandar Central Hospital,” the doctor said. “You’re safe and miraculously alive and healthy.”

“What about Thanos?” Rhomann asked. There was a long pause after the question.

“He’s gone,” the doctor said. “Let’s get those bandages off of your eyes.”

There was a soft snipping sound of scissors and the bandages fell away. Rhomann blinked in the suddenly harsh light but his eyes started to adjust.

“He’s gone?” Rhomann asked, disappointed. “So he didn’t die in the blast either.”

“He didn’t,” the Doctor said. “He also got the infinity stone but then he was defeated.”

“How long have I been out?” Rhomann asked.

“Over five years,” the doctor said but then held up a hand. “It’s a long story and it’s best to not stress you with it right now. One step at a time. We need to talk about your condition.”

“I thought you said that I was healthy,” Rhomann said. “What’s the real prognosis, doctor?”

The doctor hesitated. “Well, while we have been studying and scanning you, we have discovered residual energy from the infinity stone inside of you. It combined with a lot of different energies in the blast to alter you on a molecular level.”

“What does that mean?” Rhomann asked. “Am I dying or do I have superpowers?”

“The latter,” the doctor said. “The New Xandarian government wants to continue to study you.”

“I’m a citizen of Xandar,” Rhomann said. “I feel like the right thing to do is to consent to that study. But I do want to get back to the Nova Corps.”

“The Nova Corps doesn’t exist anymore,” the doctor said. “Thanos destroyed it.”

Rhomann took a deep breath. “Then I will resurrect it,” he said.

Media Update 4/27/23

Gingerclown

I found out about this movie when I was scrolling through Tim Curry’s filmography while watching the recent documentary on the making of the IT miniseries. I was astonished that I had not heard of this movie and went to great lengths to find it. A young nerd is bullied into going into an abandoned theme park by a bunch of bros and is accompanied by a popular girl. Ashley Lloyd and Erin Hayes play the main characters who mostly get to act confused and/or scared. The real amazing part of the movie is the star-studded cast that voices the monsters. The titular character is performed by Tim Curry and it was clear that he was having some fun chewing the scenery. Brad Dourif plays an irate worm creature who screams at anybody who will listen to his rants. Michael Winslow and Lance Henriksen play two goopy and goofy monster henchmen who are mostly comic relief. Sean Young plays a spider creature who has the most confusing sequence I have seen in a movie to date. Most of the movie is shot poorly and most of the movie’s plot is pointless but it is also kind of interesting. It was filmed using animatronics and mascot costumes and then the semi-famous actors did voiceovers. I recommend this strange movie if anything above sounds interesting.

Under ConTroll

Most people who are fans of horror and/or bad movies are aware of the movie Trolll and, more likely, Troll 2. This is a recent movie made as a sequel of sorts to those movies. An ancient troll is released from the statue he was trapped in and takes the form of a rude woman to conquer the world. The movie takes place in Baden-Baden which allows for the hiring of cheap actors on location. Eva Habermann plays the troll in human form and does a great job as a comedy villain. There is a huge cast of relative unknowns who all stumble their way through a weird combination of an early John Waters film with a low-budget fantasy movie. There is a lot of gross-out humor and comedic misunderstandings. Actor George Hardy appears as his character from Troll 2, allowing this movie to be tied in with previous movies. This was a very silly and low-budget movie. I do not recommend this unless you want to follow up on one of the most well-known bad movies.

Class of Nuke ‘Em High 2: Subhumanoid Meltdown

I have been watching some Troma films off and on and continued this franchise. The Tromaville High School reopened and is still being bombarded with toxic waste. There is also a mad scientist creating mutants under the school which attracts the attention of a student working for the school paper. Brick Bronsky plays the hunky and nearly oblivious main character. Leesa Rowland plays the nearly-brainless sub-humanoid love interest. By the way, sub-humanoids are just like humans except that they are lab-grown, have no emotions, and also have second mouths where their belly buttons should be. Lisa Gaye is the best character as the villainess (?) Melvina Holt who is a snarky mad scientist. This is a very silly movie pretty much built to be awkward, excessively horny, and full of body horror. It is the Troma way. I hesitate to recommend this movie to anybody.

---

Music of the Week:

Ashnikko – Worms

Chlöe, Missy Elliott – Told Ya

Aminé – Charmander

Melanie Martinez – DEATH

Mashup of the Week:

oneboredjeu – Every Damn Body

---

Weekly Update:

• This week’s theme is “Weird and Gross”
• I watched a ton of YouTube and Twitch: Barry Kramer, Impact Wrestling, All Elite Wrestling,  LegalEagle, Dead Meat, Some More News, Games Done Quick, Cultaholic, Allison Pregler, Game Theory, Major League Wrestling, Jesse Cox, Super Beard Bros, Channel Awesome, Drawfee, Nick DiRamio, Sad Boyz, Jarvis Johnson
• I watched more Columbo Season 2
• I watched more Spencer for Hire Season 1
• I started Murder She Wrote Season 1
• I watched more 9-1-1 Season 1

The Whole Getting Married Thing – A Beetlejuice Story

Lydia Dietz was returning to Winter River. It had been ten years since the incident not long after her family had moved to Connecticut out of New York City. At first, she had dreaded leaving the big city for the small town. She was worried about being disconnected from the photography scene and losing what few friends she had made at her old school. It did not help that her relationship with her stepmother was at its lowest point. In fact, she could now look back and admit that she was in a major depressed period at that time. She had always worn black but she barely wanted to do anything beyond photography, reading, and contemplating her existence. She had to admit she was a handful as a teenager.

Little did she know that things in her life were about to get a lot crazier. The house her father had bought to deescalate his stress turned out to be haunted by actual ghosts. Most people would have dismissed the idea of ghosts but Lydia thought of herself as deeply spiritual. She was therefore the only person who could see the house’s resident ghosts. At first she had been a bit disappointed when the ghostly Barbara and Adam Maitland were not what she expected. They looked like your average small-town residents which is exactly what they had been before their death. 

At first, she had supported the Maitlands’ quest to scare her parents because it might mean a return back to the Big Apple. Also, it would have meant that something interesting was actually happening. However, over time she grew to really like the Maitlands and wanted to spend more time with them. They were ghosts, which was fascinating, but they also paid attention to her and saw her for who she was. Her parents often ignored her or treated her as just a kid. Of course, by this time she had managed to convince her folks that the ghosts were real. Her father wanted to make money off of the situation and her mother wanted to exploit the ghosts for fame.

It was about that point when he had entered the picture. The ghost known as Betelgeuse was like throwing a live grenade into a china shop. The Maitlands had summoned the guy to provide extra firepower in their attempts to get rid of Lydia’s family. When he proved to be too eager to actually hurt people, they sent him back to where he had come from. However, when her folks had nearly exorcised the Maitlands, Lydia had made a deal with Betelgeuse to save the Maitlands. It was a rash decision but she had been desperate to save her only friends in Winter River. In the end, they were able to banish Betelgeuse back to the ghost realm.

Lydia drove over a very familiar bridge and shivered as she did. This is where the Maitlands died. They had passed into the light years ago, about the time that Lydia had gone to college. Lydia drove through town and past her old school. She drove up to the old house. The place was mostly now only used as a getaway for her parents and storage for her stepmother’s statuary. She climbed out of the car and walked up to the front porch and retrieved the key from its hiding place. She went inside and went directly to the attic which remained untouched after Adam’s model had been moved to a local museum. She missed it.

Lydia opened The Handbook for the Recently Deceased to a bookmarked page and started to draw symbols on the ground. The drawing took an hour but it was important to get it right and not make a single mistake. When she was done, she had established an elaborate series of circles. It was only then that she felt safe.

She took a deep centering breath and held her palm out at the center of all of those symbols. “Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice,” she said twice and then hesitated as a hum of power seemed to fill the attic. “Beetlejuice.” With that final recitation, the ghost appeared in the attic.

“Finally!” he yelled out. “The ghost with the most is back in business. I knew somebody would come to their senses and let a guy loose again.”

Lydia stayed quiet for a moment. Betelgeuse looked exactly the same as he had looked back then, wearing that same black and white striped suit over his decayed and disgusting body. His grin was sickly and there was a malicious glint in his eye.

“Hello, Beetlejuice,” Lydia said,

“Hey!” Betelgeuse said. “Don’t go throwing that name around. You can call me BJ.”

“Just showing how easy it is to say your name again and send you back to where you belong,” Lydia said.

Betelgeuse looked her over and then grinned again. “Lydia!” he said. “Long time no see. Came back for a hot slab of showtime, huh?” He spat in his hand and slicked his filthy hair back.

“Gross,” Lydia said. “That’s not remotely why I came back here. You’re still the same as when I last saw you.”

“You mean when you broke our deal and our engagement?” Betelgeuse asked. “Look, about the whole getting married thing, I was only doing it to pass fully into your world. It would have been a green card marriage. I would have been able to terrorize the world and I would have left you alone. That is unless you wanted to consummate.”

“Disgusting!” Lydia yelled. “I was sixteen, you pervert. You almost made me a child bride to a homicidal ghost. You tried to kill my family and also tried to banish my only friends.”

“Can’t blame a guy for trying,” Betelgeuse said. 

“So you have no remorse for what you did?” Lydia asked. “None at all?”

“Babe, I am what I am,” Betelgeuse said. “Those wimps the Maitlands didn’t know what they were missing. I just wish I could have hurt more people.”

“That’s all I needed to hear,” Lydia said. “I’m here to regain my power and finally fully close the door. You shouldn’t be allowed to float around where some other naive girl might summon you.”

Betelgeuse tried to leave the circles but he could not move. He frowned. “What gives?” he asked. “How are you doing this?”

“I’ve learned a lot over the years,” Lydia said. “Unlike you.”

“Don’t do this,” Betelgeuse said simply. For once he seemed to be serious and, deliciously, he was afraid.

Lydia started to recite poetry, using her words much like Otho had back in the day. Slowly, Betelgeuse started to decay as the Maitlands had. Only this time, the process was not interrupted. Betelgeuse screamed as he crumbled into dust. It looked painful. Lydia closed the Handbook and started downstairs after locking the attic door. It was time to move on.

Very Spacy, Very Evil – A Pro-Wrestling Story

The being that called itself Kris Statlander had traveled far and wide across the galaxy. She had left her home planet to explore and to challenge herself in the art of combat. She had used her ship to visit untold worlds and had learned a lot. Every time she arrived it took quite some time to adjust to the customs although, if she were honest with herself, she never quite adapted. She had to be herself. It was for this reason that she had made no secret of her origins when she arrived on the planet Earth. She had taken a somewhat human form so it was odd that nobody seemed to really believe her. Still, there was plenty of fighting to be done.

She had tried a lot of different things. Boxing, Judo, Karate, Kung Fu, and so on. However, it was when she found the art of Professional Wrestling that she truly found her calling. She had started to compete in independent promotions which is where she found many kindred spirits. The indies were where all of the weirdos and outcasts worked. It was also there that she had could combat individual fighters free of the constraints of perceived biological sex or gender. She was in the body of an Earth woman but she could fight anybody of any gender on the independent circuit. It was freeing.

It was here that she had first fought the man who called himself Orange Cassidy. No matter where he was, he wore jean pants and a jean jacket. He wore dark sunglasses that shielded his eyes and made him hard to read. He also wore a t-shirt with a photograph of himself wearing a t-shirt with a photograph of himself on it. At first, she thought he was arrogant but he was just Orange Cassidy. He was constantly acting lazy. A lot of the time he barely seemed to move and when he did, his pathetic attacks were more infuriating than hurtful. Then, in a flash, he would suddenly spring into action and win the match. It always left her astonished and that intrigued her.

When she and Orange Cassidy found themselves on national television, she was introduced to a found family called the Best Friends. They were all misfits and they accepted Kris for who she was. She found herself getting closer to Orange, maybe even falling in love a little. One thing was certain, she never wanted to leave Earth. She finally felt like she had found a home. Then she had gotten injured in combat for the Women’s Heavyweight Championship and she had needed to leave the tour to heal. She missed her friends terribly but she knew that she would return when she was ready.

It was during this period that a hunched-over man-like thing with a white, red, and black face sought her out. Kris recognized him at once because there was nobody else who looked like that. He was the sorcerer named Danhausen. The strange impish, not-quite-human man claimed to be both nice and evil which was a contradiction that somehow fit in with The Best Friends. Kris knew that Danhausen had been protecting Orange Cassidy on the road. Kris opened her door for the man and led him inside.

“Welcome to my home,” Kris said. “What brings you here?”

“Danhausen is mighty and has many human friends,” Danhausen said. “He does not need any help.”

“I acknowledge your formidable skill and power, Danhausen,” Kris said. “Can I help you anyway and with what?”

“Danhausen was with Orange Cassidy when The Firm attacked,” Danhausen said. “There were hundreds of them. We were greatly outnumbered.”

“Are you alright?” Kris asked. “Is Orange alright?” She was suddenly not as amused as she was concerned.

“They took him away,” Danhausen said. “They wanted his title and they could not defeat him so they took him to wear him down. The combined force of myself, Son of Sue, and Charles was not enough to prevent them.”

“So you want me to come along to save him?” Kris asked. “You’re lucky that I’m just about healed up,”

“With my powers and your alien strength, we shall be unstoppable,” Danhausen said. “If you agree, of course.”

“Of course, I agree,” Kris said. “We can use my ship to go after them.”

“Lead the way to your primitive spacecraft,” Danhausen said. Kris did not take offense as Danhausen acted superior to everything. It seemed to be overcompensation for perceived weakness. The truth was that Kris knew that Danhausen could be an excellent fighter. She had witnessed his victories and his abilities to work with others.

Kris brought Danhausen to her hidden spacecraft. She had not really used it since arriving on Earth except to move it around the country when she moved living spaces. She preferred to use normal terrestrial transportation like other wrestlers. The two of them flew toward their destination.

“It is lucky that I implanted a tracking device inside of Orange Cassidy ages ago,” Kris said.

“What was his response to you doing this?” Danhausen asked. “I would also like to do this.” Danhausen was a schemer and he always had secret plans to get rich. He kept talking about buying a blimp.

Kris smiled. “He said ‘whatever’ but I knew that it was important to him,” she said. “He always acts as if nothing matters but is always there for his friends. He also always stands up to bullies. We need to stand up for him.”

“Danhausen needs Orange Cassidy to make lots of human monies,” Danhausen said softly. Kris knew this meant that he actually cared but the strange man would never admit it.

They landed outside of an ominous-looking building and then Kris reactivated the ship’s cloaking device. She and Danhausen surveilled the building, preparing for a fight.

“Danhausen, there are far more thugs than you let on,” Kris said. “Stokely Hathaway has far too much power.”

“Danhausen believes that we can fight them all,” Danhausen said.

“I think we need reinforcements,” Kris said. “Call Hook.”

Under the Banner of the Apple – A Snow White Story

Graham the Huntsman sat at a corner table at the lodge deep in the woods. He had never wanted a position of honor or any celebrity but the people had made him their figurehead. He had been raised to honor all animals in the wild and he had extended that to human beings. He hunted so that others would not starve. He had often brought his kills to the butcher to sell in town. He had worked for the Queen but he had retired from her service a while back. He had not wanted to mix with the royals anymore. His previous experience had been beyond the pale. He wanted to be a good man so that he could live with himself.

It all started when he was summoned by the Queen to the throne room. In all of his years of service and his father’s years of service, they had never met the Queen. They simply were one of many who provided food for the castle’s larders. Typically, drawing the monarch’s attention was not something that one wanted to do. Such attention only led to dark times and punishment. The previous king had been kind but his surviving wife was obsessive and cruel. She had a reputation for not letting a slight get past her. Any who opposed her would be punished. This was actually not a real problem as she had a good life and ruled fairly.

However, she had apparently been gifted a magic mirror which is where the real trouble had started. A voice from the mirror spoke to the Queen and preyed on her vanity and her feelings of alienation. The Queen had a stepdaughter, her husband’s daughter from a previous marriage. Princess Snow White was exceedingly pretty and youthful. The mirror used this to drive a wedge between stepmother and daughter until very wicked thoughts crept inside of her. Snow White would have to die so that people would speak of the Queen’s beauty again. This was ridiculous, of course. Graham had seen milkmaids prettier even than Snow White.

In the heat of this obsession, the Queen had summoned Graham to her side. He was considered one of the foremost hunters and his family had been exceedingly loyal. The Queen cut to the chase and told Graham that she wanted him to take Snow White into the woods. When he came back, he was supposed to bring back Snow White’s lungs and liver. Graham had been shocked but he knew better than to say no to a royal person’s face. He had taken a confused and naive Snow White into the woods and he had thought about doing the deed. However, he told Snow White to run instead. He had brought the lungs and liver of a boar back instead. He had heard the Queen had eaten it for dinner. He had shuddered but his conscience was clear.

Days later and events had unfolded where the Queen was not only usurped but she was killed. Snow White had joined with a foreign prince to do the deed. By then, Graham had left his service at the castle. He had retreated to anonymity. However, things had gotten worse. While things were not perfect under the rule of the Queen, Snow White seemed to be worse. There were many possible reasons. There was her inexperience to consider and the influence of her foreign prince. Perhaps they were working to have the kingdom subsumed by the prince’s kingdom. Graham had an idea that it was the mirror. The mirror was whispering evil things again.

“We have to do something, Graham,” Sophie said. “Every day things get worse.”

“What do you suggest, Sophie?” Graham asked. “We are under her power just as we have been under the power of all royals. Our resources are minuscule compared to theirs.”

“We can’t do nothing,” Sophie said. “They will choke all of the life from the kingdom and gift it to some even crueler king or queen.” Sophie had become the voice of the people. She was young and clever and determined.

“I want to end the people’s suffering just as much as you do,” Graham said. “But I also don’t want to get involved. It’s too dangerous. We should leave for some other home instead.”

“This is our home as much as it is hers,” Sophie said. “I would happily trade her life of comfort and luxury so that we could all eat and be safe.”

“The Queen has powerful magic,” Graham said. “It was that magic that helped her overthrow the old Queen. I’ve heard that she has seven dwarves bound to her will. They were previously employed in mining for gems. They dug too deep and found something of the deep magic at the bottom of their mine. Snow White used that to merge the dwarves with elemental spirits of the Earth which she uses as her personal guard.”

“That sounds ridiculous,” Sophie said but she did not look so certain. “I’m sure that’s all lies and rumor.”

“Well, perhaps,” Graham said. “One thing I know for sure is that she has a spirit in a mirror that sees everything.”

“If that were true, then I’m dead already,” Sophie said. “So I might as well try and do the deed.”

“You’re welcome to do anything you want,” Graham said. “I think it’s madness.”

“I need you, Graham,” Sophie said. “I know that you failed to kill her once. If you had, maybe things would be different. Better. You can have another chance. I can help you get there.”

“How would that even work?” Graham asked. “With all the defenses that I laid out, she is invulnerable.”

“I know for a fact that the old Queen was able to poison her to fall into a death-like sleep,” Sophie said. “She also failed to finish the job. We could finish the job.”

“Poison her?” Graham asked. “With what?”

Sophie pulled up her sleeve to reveal a fresh tattoo. It was an apple. “The poison apple,” she said. “That’s how we do it.”

Tall Tale – A Phantasm/Ghostbusters Story

(Inspired by an open request from Brett Bayonne from Super Beard Bros.)

The Ecto-1 rolled along the road in the rural areas of Oregon. The scenery was way different than New York City and all four of the Ghostbusters felt a little out of their element. It was not that they never left the city, it was just rare. The Big Apple seemed to be spook central but they were beginning to see that it was just the tip of the iceberg. The quartet had driven across the country, investigating things here and there. The trip had been enlightening long before they arrived at their destination. It was clear that Gozer and Shandor’s cult were not the only threats to be considered.

“This is a long way to go, Ray,” Peter said. “I really hope we didn’t cross the country for nothing.”

“The threat is legit, Peter,” Ray said. “Guy named Reggie called it in. He was desperate. Egon and I looked into it independently and it passed muster.”

“There are all sorts of strange readings emanating from the region,” Egon said. “I’m talking energy from another world. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“I looked into this Reggie Bannister guy through some old military buddies of mine in the area,” Winston said. “He seems like a sleaze but there’s no reason to make things up.”

“I just still think it’s a long way to drive,” Peter said. “We could have flown in style. We’re owed enough favors.”

“I’m still not sure what a pressurized cabin will do to a proton pack let alone an unpressurized cargo hold,” Egon said. “A detonation at that height would be catastrophic for those below and would atomize the plane.”

“Besides that, I don’t think we could get the equipment past airport security,” Ray said.

“We’ve been in jail enough already,” Winston said. “Let’s not do that again.”

“So what I’m hearing is that we need to buy our own plane,” Peter said. “I’ve always wanted one. Actually, have we given any thought to franchising? If we had a California chapter they could have banged this one out a week ago. We could still be back home having some good pizza.”

“You just want to see Dana again,” Winston said. “You better watch out, Petter, she might smarten up and leave you again.”

Peter sighed. “That’s what I’m worried about,” he said.

“Peter’s love life aside, I have been thinking of franchising,” Ray said. “At least, I was thinking of starting new chapters in other locations. We can’t be everywhere. The problem is that this would take a lot of capital.”

“We had the university’s money when we were starting up,” Egon said.

“And Ray’s mortgage,” Peter said.

“We’ve only got accounts receivable now,” Winston said. “It’s hard for Louis and Janine to chase down people who owe us money.”

“So we need a sugar daddy or we need to find some buried gold somewhere,” Peter said. “Everybody keep an eye out.”

“Uh huh,” Winston said. “How about we table that and get down to business? How about a rundown, Ray?”

“I’d be glad to,” Ray said. “This is all according to research and conversations with Reggie Bannister so take it with a grain of salt. Our story starts at the Morningside Funeral Home, owned and operated by Jebediah Morningside back in the 19th century. Mr. Morningside became obsessed with the line between the land of the living and the land of the dead.”

“Sounds familiar,” Winston said.

Everybody nodded. That was becoming a familiar refrain to the Ghostbusters. Ivo Shandor’s worship of Gozer had led to their first adventure. Vigo the Carpathian’s similar obsession with death magic led to their second adventure. Whenever humans meddled in the spirit world or other such things, it spelled bad news for everyone involved.

“Agreed,” Ray said. “He managed to build a device that created a portal through time and space. He stepped through that untested portal and when he came back, he had changed. Zebediah was gone and they call what replaced him The Tall Man. We’re thinking possession but shapeshifter is still on the table. Spooky guy from what I hear. The Tall Man wants bodies.”

“What for?” Peter asked, uncharacteristically succinct. 

“He wants to be some sort of king of the dead,” Ray said. “He’s building an army and he seems to be good at it. He moves from town to town, always returning to his home base. When he moves into a town, he sets himself up as the undertaker. First, he harvests bodies from the cemetery and then he starts grabbing the living. When he gets a hold of a living person, he puts them through a process that compacts them.”

“Like trash?” Winston asked, looking a little wary. Everybody was already looking a bit apprehensive except for Egon who always looked neutral.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Ray said. “Then he separates the brain from the body. The body gets turned into a mindless little dwarven creature called a Lurker. Their brains get put in little metal spheres that fly through the air and can sprout blades. Sometimes he turns bodies into Gravers which seem to be straight-up zombies and really strong.”

“All of this sounds absolutely fantastic,” Peter said. “I’m excited to fight this guy.”

“What’s the plan?” Winston asked.

“As far as we know, everybody we’re dealing with is already dead so traps won’t work,” Egon said. “Their bodies should be vulnerable to our proton packs and it’s best that they be completely burned after incapacitation.”

“We also brought some positively-charged slime,” Ray said. “I’m hoping that it will block the energy that reanimates the bodies. I wish I was more sure about that but we can’t rely on that.”

The car pulled off of the highway and they could see a huge white house. They pulled into the front drive and climbed out of the car and looked up at the structure. How many times had they been in this exact situation? Standing and looking at what they had to do. Another battle loomed in front of them. This time at an actual mortuary which gave off dark vibes.

“Alright,” Peter said. “Let’s do this.”

Shiny – A Harley Quinn and the Joker’s Daughter Story

(Based in the world of my movie pitch of Harley Quinn and The Joker’s Daughter Parts 1 and 2)

Margaret Pye snuck into the museum through a skylight. She had hooked herself to a belay line and a backup line and she slowly descended upside down into the grand hall. Once she was low enough, she started to swing herself slowly. She had to be careful not to stress the line too much. As she neared a wall, she used a strong suction cup to stick in place. She spray-painted the camera next to her. She pushed off of the wall toward the next camera and spray-painted it too. She kept swinging around the world to disable the cameras. Only after she was done did she descend lower. 

Margaret sprayed a mist below her and it revealed a network of lasers as she had expected. She descended further and landed tight against the wall near the security panel. She brought out a glass breaker hammer and smacked it against the panel, breaking the security glass. She carefully brushed aside the broken glass and plugged a USB drive into the panel. She waited for a few moments and then sprayed the mist again. The lasers were gone. She opened her backpack and pulled out a small device. She walked over to one of the double doors into the room and closed them before slapping the disc against them. That activated a strong adhesive that made sure the doors were not opening anytime soon. She did the same for the other doors.

She turned toward her prize in the very center of the room and smiled.

“Alone at last,” she said with a bright smile. “You’re coming home with me.”

She approached the case holding the Corinthian Sapphire and prepared to smash it open. This was her favorite part. There was such a thrill in grabbing shiny objects that she wasn’t supposed to touch.

“It really is nice to finally be alone,” a voice behind her said. “I thought this moment would never come.”

Margaret whirled around to see a woman in a leather jacket with red and black diamonds on it. Margaret could have sworn that there had not been anybody in the room when she locked herself inside. She looked toward the Corinthian Sapphire and saw a young girl in a mask standing in her way.

“If you’re wondering, we were hiding in the iron maiden,” the woman said. “It was a little cozy but we made it work.”

“Who are you?” Margaret asked. “Competition? I’m not giving up the sapphire without a fight and I’m not splitting it.”

“We’re not here to fight,” the woman said. “Let’s just keep calm.”

Margaret looked over at the young girl who had a baseball bat in her hand. Margaret said nothing but just vaguely gestured toward the bat.

“I just picked her up from little league,” the woman said. “We’re not here for a sapphire. We’re here for you. Let’s talk.”

“Oh I get it,” Margaret said. “You’re superheroes. Well, I’m not here to talk. I’m here to take and then I’m gone.”

“You’re the one they call Magpie, right?” the woman asked. “Master thief of jewels and precious metals? Alias of Margaret Pye with a juvenile record longer than my arm?”

“What’s it to you?” Margaret asked. “I got better at not getting caught.”

“You did,” the woman said. “Margaret Pye. Magpie. Very similar. It’s like you want to get caught. Of course, I’m one to talk. Harley Quinn. Dr. Harleen Quinzel. Also very similar.”

“You’re Harley Quinn?” Margaret asked, her eyes wide in shock. “Is this your territory? I can clear out.”

“I’m retired,” Harley said. “I’m here as more of a community service of sorts. I don’t fight crime. I leave that to the Batman and his family. I get to the root causes of crime. I’m a doctor. I heal. I help.”

“I don’t need any of your help,” Margaret said. “I’m doing great. I was about to make major bank, actually.”

“The police probably haven’t crunched the numbers but I know that you could be making far more bank,” Harley said. “Of the thefts attributed to you, a lot of the loot does not make it to the black market.”

“So?” Margaret asked. “Maybe I like to keep trophies.”

“Trophies are usually things that aren’t actually worth much except for their sentimental value,” Harley said. “Like maybe a brochure from the first museum you robbed or a salt and pepper shaker set from some rich dude’s kitchen. Stuff like that. Keeping pricey trophies makes no sense if you have even a good system of fences to sell everything. Stealing mainly for the thrill of it seems just plain reckless.”

“Who are you to judge?” Margaret asked. “You and the Joker did all sorts of crazy crimes.”

“That’s true,” Harley said. “But do you really want to compare yourself to people who were regulars at Arkham and claim that you don’t need help?”

“I’m not crazy,” Margaret said.

“I didn’t mean to imply that,” Harley said. “I don’t even like the word crazy very much. It’s dismissive. Kleptomania might be more accurate but I haven’t really sat down with you yet. It really does feel that there’s a compulsion at work here. What do you think?”

Margaret looked away, unable to meet Harley’s gaze. “Give it up,” she said. “I told you. I’m fine.”

Harley gave that a little room to breathe. She let the silence hang in the air.

“I’m a master thief,” Margaret said, grumpily. “Just leave me alone.”

“I don’t see a crew here with you,” Harley said, apparently ignoring Margaret’s request. “It has to get pretty lonely sneaking into these places alone. Even Catwoman eventually learned to work with others.”

“Other people get in the way,” Margaret said, looking down at her shoes.

“Do they get in the way or is it too difficult to talk to them?” Harley asked.

“What?” Margaret said, looking up. “I’m fine talking to people.”

“But it’s a struggle?” Harley asked.

“Maybe,” Margaret said.

“Look,” Harley said. “I’m here for your benefit. If you clear out, I’ll conveniently forget you were here if I’m questioned. If you want to stop by my office to talk, I can find a place in my schedule.” There was the sound of sirens outside.

Margaret wordlessly hooked back up to the cable and pressed a button to ascend back toward the skylight. “I’ll think about it,” she said as she left.

Redemption Rangers – A Power Rangers Story

Roxy Collins made her way into Grid Battleforce. It had been a while since she had actually visited the headquarters. She had so many memories of the place, both bad and good. This is where she had trained to be a power ranger for so long. It was also where she met and fell in love with her boyfriend Ravi Shaw. Then it was where she had been forced to deny a relationship with Ravi due to them both being Power Rangers. It had been against the rules for two rangers to date and neither of them wanted to turn down the assignment. It was also the same building she had gone into and came out of a coma while a villain wore her face. That last bit made her shudder. Therapy had helped with integrating those memories but it was still rough.

“Roxy!” A voice called out from behind her, causing her to spin around. “What are you doing here?” It was Ravi, her boyfriend and the blue ranger. Ravi was a loyal soldier with a secret artist’s soul. She could not keep the smile off of her face if she tried.

“Ravi, I actually don’t know why I’m here,” Roxy said, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Your mom, I mean, Commander Shaw called me in. I mean, she can’t really order me around anymore since i quit Grid Battleforce but she asked and I couldn’t think of a reason to say no. Plus I thought I might run into you. That’s a bonus.”

“I wonder what she wants,” Ravi said. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“I wouldn’t want to distract you from your duties,” Roxy said. “Besides, I’m a big girl and I know the way to the Commander’s office.”

“True,” Ravi said with a smile. “I’ll see you after?”

“I’ll come and find you before I leave,” Roxy said.

“You’d better,” Ravi said. “I’ll probably be training with Devon.”

“Until then,” Roxy said. “Say hi to Devon and the team for me.”

“You got it,” Ravi said.

They kissed quickly and then parted. Roxy made a beeline toward Commander Shaw’s office before she could be interrupted by any other familiar faces. She loved seeing them all but she was already cutting it close. She arrived at the Commander’s door and was let in by her assistant. Inside of the office, Commander Shaw was sitting in her command chair and was talking to a man with fierce yet kind eyes. As Roxy entered, the man turned to look at her.

“Roxy Collins,” Commander Shaw said with a warm smile. “Welcome back to Grid Battleforce. I guess you must have mixed emotions about being back here.”

“To say the least, Commander,” Roxy said. “There’s a lot of history here. It’s nice to see you again.” She had never run into Commander Shaw outside of Grid Battleforce even though she was dating her son. She was a bit of a workaholic and she never really let her hair down. 

“It’s good to see you too, Roxy,” Commander Shaw said. “But I didn’t ask you back here for my own benefit or even for Grid Battleforce business.”

“Now I’m really curious,” Roxy said. “I guess it has something to do with you, sir?” That last bit was a question for the man who smiled in response.

“Where are my manners?” Commander Shaw asked herself. “Roxy Collins, this is Dr. Thomas Oliver.”

The man stuck his hand out. “You can call me Tommy,” he said. “Most people just call me Tommy.”

“Nice to meet you, Tommy,” Roxy said, shaking Tommy’s hand. “You called so here I am. What can I do for you?”

“Well,” Tommy said. “I’m putting together a team of Power Rangers and I’m looking for candidates. Your name came up.”

“What?” Roxy asked, shocked at the question. “I’m not a Power Ranger.”

“You were,” Tommy said. “From what I hear, you were pretty much a badass.”

“I was taken out of the fight almost immediately and all of my training was used by an evil copy of me to fight the actual Power Rangers.” 

“You still had that training,” Tommy said. “It would be a shame for all of that hard work to go to waste.”

“You don’t get it,” Roxy said. “I was linked to an evil avatar version of myself. I still have all of her memories. I was stuck watching her scheme while trying to destroy my boyfriend and the city I live in. Thinking about Avatar Roxy makes me sick.”

“No,” Tommy said. “I get it. Let me tell you a little something about myself. I was a Power Ranger too. Back in the day, my friends and I protected Angel Grove and then I went on to protect Reefside. I have been the Green Ranger, the White Ranger, the Red Ranger, and the Black Ranger.”

“Wait, I remember seeing footage of some of that,” Roxy said. “I mean, I remember seeing some of it when I was a kid and that was part of what made me want to be a ranger in the first place.”

“That doesn’t make me feel old at all,” Tommy said with a chuckle.

“We watched some of the footage again when we were in training,” Roxy said. “You guys were awesome! What happened? Where did you guys go?”

“It’s a long story,” Tommy said. “Maybe I’ll tell you although I did make a sort of documentary on it all. I’ve kept it secret and I probably should have released it to Grid Battleforce but things got in the way.”

“Well, I’m starstruck but my problem still stands,” Roxy said. “I spent more time as an evil avatar than a ranger.”

“That’s the thing I was trying to get to,” Tommy said. “I’ve been there. When I first morphed, it was because I was given a magic coin by our nemesis Rita Repulsa. I fought people who would eventually become my friends and fellow rangers. I was able to come back from that and earn the trust of people I’m still friends with. Your past does not define you. You could be a hero again.”

“I don’t know,” Roxy said. “I’m content in my relationship with Ravi and my job at Collins Industries.”

“What we’re doing won’t get in the way of that,” Tommy said. “I know how important love is. Still, once a ranger, always a ranger is something I believe in. There are people out there that you can help.”

“I’ll think about it,” Roxy said. She was already thinking about how she was going to tell Ravi. She felt a mix of excitement and anxiety inside of her. She did want to serve but was she still capable? Could she still be a Power Ranger? She had to think.