Posts Tagged ‘Letters to Satan Claus’

Ho Ho Hello Satan! – A Gingerdead Man/Letters to Satan Claus Story

April 9, 2021

Mary Findlemeyer slaved away in her kitchen once again. She was so tired of repeatedly performing this ritual but she would not give up on her son. This was the fourth time she had resurrected her son and she feared she would not have it in her to do it a fifth time. Her son, Millard Findlemeyer, had been a psychotic killer in life but he had been her psychotic killer. He had been gunned down by police while in the middle of a robbery at a bakery. Mary had used some of his ashes to bake him into a new body made of gingerbread. The resulting murder spree had gone well until her son had been killed again. Thus they had worked together to try to get Millard another human body so he could return to top form. That also had not gone well. Twice. It was time for a change.

Mary’s kitchen timer went off and she turned off the oven and opened it up. She grabbed the cookie sheet and pulled her son out of the oven. She watched as his eyes opened. He looked confused at first but the realization of his situation once again dawned in his eyes. He remained silent as Mary used a spatula to extricate him from the cookie sheet. Once he was on his feet, he started checking that he once again had all of his correct parts in place and stretched his doughy form a bit.

“Thanks, Ma,” the Gingerdead Man said. “Hot and fresh out of the oven! I’m ready to kill and kill again. Where are we?”

“I had to leave the country after summoning your soul back to the ashes after the time travel debacle,” Mary said disappointedly. “We’re in Canada.”

“Canada sucks!” Millard said. “Look, Ma, I’m sorry about the time travel thing. Time travel is confusing.”

“I don’t blame you, my dear,” Mary said with a smile. “It’s those that stand in your way that I blame. Also, it does not help that you’re only a few inches tall. That part is on me.”

“Oh, Ma, without your magic I’d be shit out of luck,” Millard said. “Though, I really would like to have a human body again. There’s so many things I miss like being able to strangle people.”

“Strangling people is pleasant,” Mary said. “We’ll get you back to strangling soon. However, we have to try a different tactic. You need help.”

“I work alone, Ma,” Millard said sullenly, his tiny eyes narrowing. “Admittedly because I piss people off and kill whoever I work with.” He gave a tiny shrug.

“Well, this time we’ll have to make an exception,” Mary said. “I’m summoning Satan.”

“Satan, huh?” Millard said with a little cookie grin. “That actually sounds kind of cool. The big guns. So do it already, summon him up.”

“What makes you think it’s a he?” Mary asked. “Besides, I already did it. I sent a letter. Satan should be here any minute.”

“Of course Satan’s a dude,” Millard said. “He’s gotta be a man.”

There was a sudden flash of heat and fire and a demonic-looking thing was standing there. It was wearing a red and white robe with a Santa hat. Satan looked rather androgynous but there was something that vaguely tipped the scales toward feminine that Millard could not put his doughy finger on.

“Actually,” Satan said in a woman’s voice. “I can be whatever I want and this form pleases me lately. It freaks out a lot of the Men’s Rights guys. Hilarious. So your letter proposed a deal?”

“What’s with the Christmas get-up?” Millard asked, interrupting the flow of conversation.

Satan sighed and put hands on her hips. “It’s Christmastime again and I’m in a festively murderous mood,” she said.

“Amen to that!” Millard yelled out. “This is a chick that I can really get behind!”

“That’s why we summoned you here, oh great Satan,” Mary said. “We wanted to pledge ourselves to your service in order to get my son a human body again.”

Satan thought about this. “Hmm that is interesting,” Satan said. “I am still stewing over something that happened last Christmas that I want revenge for. I’ll offer you a deal. Come with me back to the town of Ornaments. It’s not far from here. I have to abide by certain rules but you are decidedly rule-free. Kill everyone dear to Holly Frost and then finish by killing her and I will install you in a human body. There are plenty of hunks in Ornaments to choose from.”

“That sounds like fun,” Millard said. “You’ve got yourself a deal.” He rubbed his little hands together.

“Shall we?” Satan asked, extending a hand to the little cookie man.

“Yeah,” Millard said. “Let’s do it. Don’t wait up, Ma!” He grabbed her hand and they were gone in a flash.


Media Update 12/31/20

December 31, 2020

Letters to Satan Claus

This movie is a parody of Hallmark Christmas movies in the best way. A reporter, Holly Frost, must return to her hometown of Ornaments to cover the annual Christmas hullabaloo. Holly is bitter about Christmas after her parents were murdered on Christmas morning when she was a kid. However, the town of Ornaments has plenty of sexy guys and booze to pass the time. However, her past is rising up to haunt her and a simple transposition of letters may spell doom for Holly and Ornaments. The movie touches on all of the annoying cliches by either playing them straight or turning them on their ear. Karen Knox is great as the embittered yet ambitious reporter. Joseph Cannata plays a somewhat oblivious ruggedly handsome attorney. His cute yet dumb daughter is played brilliantly by Jessica Clement. Jana Peck is delightfully dark as the title character, cracking one liners as she stalks her victims. The rest of the cast does great as too dumb to live small town denizens. I wholeheartedly recommend this movie.

Black Christmas

I remember liking the original Black Christmas but the 2006 version was not very exciting. I wanted to see this version because Blumhouse is really knocking it out the park with their remakes and reimaginings. This movie took the basic premise but fleshes the characters out more and adds more to the story. The sorority getting stalked is now a feminist sorority with a bone to pick with the biggest frat on campus. The movie has a great air of mystery as we watch the young ladies get stalked by unseen predators. Imogeen Poots, Aleyse Shannon, Lily Donoghue, Brittany O’Grady, and more are all great as very likable college students. Director and writer Sophia Takal does a really good job of staging the movie to make me feel anxious during every scene. The movie is beautifully shot and a lot is left up to the imagination to make you worry more for these girls. I defintiely recommend this movie.

Better Watch Out

I had heard a lot of good things about this movie so it was time to finally watch it. This movie is a babysitter home invasion story set during the holidays. However, there are some touches that really made this different from standard faire like When A Stranger Calls or The Strangers. The Christmas season does not have much impact on the story but it does make for some fun props and a pretty background. Olivia DeJonge plays the babysitter who is taking one last job before she goes off to college and is definitely a confident and cool young lady. Levi Miller plays her charge, a young boy almost too old to need a babysitter but his parents worry about him. Ed Oxenbould plays the stoner friend of Miller’s character who decides to visit and add more on DeJonge’s shoulders. The movie is very playful and had a lot of twists and turns that I did not expect. The acting was spot on and the action sequences really delighted me. There is also an undercurrent of dark humor and an actually interesting message. I definitely recommend this movie.

Music of the Week:

Psychostick – Zombie Claus

New Years Day – Kill or Be Killed

Pop Smoke ft. Dread Woo – Woo Year

Scrawl – 11:59 It’s January

Run The Jewels – Out Of Sight

Weekly Update:
This week’s theme is “Christmas Horror 2020”
I watched more Watcher videos
I watched a lot of Twitch and YouTube
I watched more Doctor Who Season 12
I watched more Bob’s Burgers Season 11
I finished Heaven’s Gate: The Cult of Cults
I finished EVIL Season 1

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