Feast (2005)

I do not have a ton of bar experience. I am not a big drinker nor a lover of being in a public space. Of course, despite these two things, I have spent quite a bit of time in bars. In my late teenage years, I hung around with an older community theater crowd called the Mobtown Players. They were in their thirties and I was in my teens. I hung out in bars with them even though I was not allowed to drink. My mother trusted them and me and they assured her that they would never let me drink underage. Later, I spent time in one particular bar in college both before and after I was old enough to drink. It was a dive bar named Dolls that unfortunately was not full of dolls of any kind. I usually retreated to a less populated corner and clung to what friends I could find. I nursed one beer to look like I belonged. Even later, I hung out in another dive bar for pub trivia. Again, I did not really drink but having an activity made bar visits more tolerable.

How much do you think that you can rely on strangers in public when bad things happen? I would like to think that I could rely on people that I have never met. Unfortunately, the statistics are against me on that. First, we have the bystander effect which says that bystanders will generally just watch something bad happen and none of them will act because they assume somebody else already did or is about to. Am I any different? No. I have never stopped on the side of the road to ask a stranded motorist if they need help. I generally freeze when a crissis hits. However, I like to think that if things truly became life or death, I would leap into action and everybody would join me. Obviously, I hope I never find out.

The first thing I noticed was the comedy of the movie with a lot of meta humor and goofy 2000s flavor. This is an ensemble piece with almost everybody getting a nickname instead of their actual name. The dialogue is comically cliched but in the best ways. Navi Rawat plays the lead, a stereotypical final girl with sass and grit. Jason Mewes plays himself and is just as goofy as usual. Judah Friedlander is full of comic relief slapstick and is just as sarcastic as he usually is. Henry Rollins plays a douchebag tough guy. Clu Galager plays the tough-as-nails old bartender. Eric Dane is the tough hero-type guy. Jenny Wade plays the dumb blonde waitress. Balthazar Getty plays an asshole bar fly while Josh Zuckerman plays his nice brother. 

This is a pretty gory movie in both senses of the word. There is a lot of over-the-top gore and all of it is really fun to watch. Think of movies like Evil Dead 2 or Dead Alive. The practical effects are great and they are obviously doing a lot with animatronics and prosthetics. There are also plenty of other fluids flying around. The cast gets pretty gross pretty quickly. The monsters look really great with some varying designs and all of them are something you absolutely do not want to see in a dark alley. I also really like what we get to see of the monster lore because they are absolutely wild. There is some real nastiness and this movie is pretty cruel to its cast of characters.

Overall, I liked this weird movie. It takes a lot of elements and tropes of the under-siege horror movie and turns them on their ear while also playing some of them deadly straight. The result is a movie that does not take itself too seriously but also ends up being fairly bleak while also being funny. It is an innovative script with a lot of actors who are willing to play it to the hilt. I recommend this but not for the squeamish.

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Cult Pantheon

What follows are the borderline and rarely worshipped mystery cults of the world of my Dungeons and Dragons campaign. These are often but not always the crazy people of the world and it shows.

The Nameless

It is rumored that this god or goddess was punished early on in the history of creation. This deity decided to expose the mortal races to knowledge forbidden by the other gods. While the good deities had the best wishes for the mortals of the world, they had wanted to keep them in the dark on certain things. That way they could more easily protect them even from themselves. Sometime later they realized their error much later, the damage had already been done to The Nameless. They nearly destroyed them and what survived had lost its name and form. The Nameless escaped into the Dreamplane, connected to the minds of the whole world. Not much more lore than that survives in the world but it is known that The Nameless survives as a sort of god of inspiration. The followers of the Nameless are few and far between but most are inventors and forward thinkers. Many, but not all, also contain some level of insanity.

Zeoron, The Limitless One

Many theorize that Zeoron was waiting for the gods when their eyes first opened to reality. One of the rumored “Old Ones”, Zeoron did not take kindly to the upstart newcomers who wished to form the world. He fought them all but either lost or realized his fight was futile. Instead of dying, he exploded and his essence spread across all of the planes much like the spores of an exploding mushroom. His followers contend that Zeoron’s essence is everywhere and is truly limitless. Many of his followers believe that Zeoron wishes this reality forged by the gods is illigitimate and must be destroyed. That is why they think that Zeoron’s essence may be the origin of all monsters in the known planes of the multiverse. Followers of Zeoron seek to destroy the foundations of society and any forces that might defend the multiverse from destruction.

Church of The Light

Worshippers of the Church of Light reject all deities in favor of the truth of the light. The light never intercedes on behalf of its followers but instead allows them to rely on the power within which makes them stronger and more self-assured. They view dependence on the gods as a drug, one that is dangerous to mess with since the power and favor handed down from the gods can be taken away on a whim. Followers of the Church of Light seek to teach others to abandon the gods and move on. All that is needed is the Light. The Church is small but extremely loyal to each other. Some outside of the Church have wild theories about what the Light really is. It could be a devil, a spirit, an Old One, or any number of things whispering in the ears of mortals to cause doubt of the gods. Some of their followers prefer the Church because they are tired of the eternal conflict between the good and evil forces.

Ganza, The Advocate

The self-styled spirit of Justice, the shadowy Advocate urges her followers to fight for both accusers and the accused. Therefore it is also a sort of deity of even-handed Law. Followers created the first so-called Lawyers and corresponding Judges. Worshippers pray to remain objective and unemotional whether they are on the attack or on defense. They are passionate only about making sure that their wards are given fair treatment by the governments of the world. Ganza is represented by the symbol of the scales. Her followers are expected to dress well while following their mission.

Dendar, King of Nightmares

Dendar was born as the God of Fear but he proved to be a loose cannon and he ended up being opposed by good and evil gods alike. He sought the destruction of everything that everybody had built. Therefore, the evil gods did not stand in the way of the good gods when they captured Dendar. They imprisoned him for eternity in a box floating through Outer Planar space. At some point after the Ascension, the box was cracked and Dendar escaped into the Dreamplane. Mortals and Immortals alike still feel the pure fear of Dendar’s power in their sleep. If he can, Dendar will be released from the Dreamplane and will not stop until he utterly destroys the multiverse.

Magical Earth Defenders Pt. 9

Curtains

The five teenage girls appeared back in the alleyway they had disappeared from, now in their brand new armor. When they looked at each other, they could all see the same nervous excitement in each other’s eyes. They were supposed to be Earth’s new super heroes but they were new at this and there was no telling what would happen. Kelsey stepped forward first.

“Come on, we have some streets to clean up, girls!” She shouted.

They took off in a run because they could not stand to walk and running felt so good. Each one of them felt much faster and more energetic than they ever had before. Especially Lennon who felt an exhilaration in running much faster than her wheelchair could ever go. At some point, Maya took the lead since she was the only one of them present at the scene of the crime and Kelsey slowed a little to let her have the lead. They skidded to a stop in the alleyway.

“They were right here!” Maya yelled.

They looked around and there was nothing there, not even scorch marks. Of course, there were also no bystanders around either. They were probably startled by the craziness that had ensued earlier, running off to see who would believe them. However, in the very center of this alleyway was a dog-eared copy of a script.

“Look at this,” Lennon said and bent down to pick the script up.

“Did your friend drop it?” Margaret asked.

“Yeah, I mean, we weren’t exactly friends anymore but we used to live next to each other,” Kelsey said. “She got into drama big time after her family moved.”

“I remember seeing her in shows,” Lennon said and shivered. “She looked happy up there.”

“I remember that too, actually,” Natia said. She did not remember as much from the previous year but she did remember any excuse not to go to class and Daffney had been in drama previews during assembly.

“They left it behind deliberately,” Maya said angrily. The other girls nodded.

“There’s something written across this page,” Lennon said and she held up the script so they could all see. The word “CURTAINS” was written in jagged pink letters across the page. Lennon could have sworn the word had not been there when she picked the script up.

“Curtains?” Margaret asked. “What does that mean?”

“It means it’s curtains for you, little girls!” A disembodied voice yelled out.

“What? Who said that?” Natia asked as all of the girls looked around.

“Show yourself!” Kelsey yelled.

On the wall near them, a face started to form on the brick. It was wicked looking, sort of a cruel parody of a clown. It grinned wickedly with far too many teeth and everybody gasped.

“Not yet,” the thing said. “We are not ready to step into your world.”

“Cowards,” Margaret said, her eyes narrowed.

“What did you say!?” The thing yelled, seemingly shocked by the words.

“She’s right,” Maya said. “You are a coward. I know what that’s like but I am done running.”

“We all are!” Natia shouted, slinging her guitar off of her shoulder.

“Well good for you,” the wall thing said sarcastically. “Very well, let’s play!”

Monsters began to form from the brick walls and the blacktop once again. The girls backed off a bit, making space to fight. The things were slow to form. Kelsey started calling out targets and nobody argued.

“Aqua Shot!” Kelsey called out. She focused on her hand and thought of playing softball with Daffney and the other neighborhood kids when she was little. She felt a large amount of water form and she threw it as hard as she could. She watched the water slam into one of the constructs. It tried to stand for a moment, putting its hand first into the water but the impact knocked it back into the wall where the thing shattered on impact. The girls cheered.

“Sonic Rush!” Natia called out. She thought of the thrill of performing and her love of being loud and strummed her guitar hard. Green waves and a rush of sound rocketed out of the guitar and slammed into one of the constructs. It started to panic as its body vibrated, it fell to its knees as it fell apart. Natia strummed on her guitar for good measure.

“Inferno Rocket!” Lennon called out. She raised her hand and pointed her palm at one of the constructs. She focused on all of the weekends she had spent building model rockets in her family’s garage and firing them off with her dad. She poured all of the flames of her anger, her disappointment, and her desire to destroy all of the obstacles in her way into that rocket. She let the thing fly and a burning fireball shot into one of the constructs.

“Shadow Chain!” Maya called out. She closed her eyes and thought of all the dark corners she had hidden in, the darkness she had embraced to survive and she let it out. She felt it form itself into a chain made of solid shadow. She felt that chain snake around her body, floating through the air. She opened her eyes and pointed at one of the constructs and the chain shot out towards it, it wound around the construct and then Maya squeezed her hand and the chain constricted and the thing was crushed into pieces.

“Bright Arrow!” Margaret called out. She remembered all of the archery lessons her parents had bought her since it was such a noble sport. She reached behind her back and pulled an arrow made of light from thin air. In her other hand, a bow made of light formed and she strung the bow, drew it back and there was a bright flash as she let the arrow go. It streamed toward the last construct and pierced right through it. It came out of the other side of the construct and hit the wall, right in the middle of the clown face. It frowned and faded away just as the construct exploded in a shower of sparks.

The Hackette Family

Patrick’s family had walked these woods in western Maryland for generations. They had defended them during the War for American Independence and every opportunity since then. Patrick’s sister, Dawn, had once paid for a genealogist to come in and shake the family tree to see what fell out. The guy had joked that the family must have been cursed to die in battle. There was more than enough evidence for that theory. Men and women up and down the family line had died of unnatural causes. Most of those unnatural causes had been brutal and bloody. The truth was, the family was constantly in battle but they had never left the United States since the late eighteenth century.

Since arriving in the new world, the family had been blessed and cursed with sight beyond sight. The things most people dismissed as myths, legends and optical illusions were the things Patrick’s ancestors had killed with sword and musket. Through the years, they had kept the fight a secret. So the family had fallen to bears, wolves, gators, snakes and once a pack of rabid gophers. Anything but the actual creatures that killed them. It was not something you discussed in polite company and definitely not with some insensitive genealogist making bad jokes.

“What do we have, Al?” Patrick asked his cousin. She stood hall with a wide-brimmed hat, a thick canvas coat and a big sniper rifle.

“We’ve got three Beauregards holed up in Roscoe Hollow,” Allison said. She spat on the ground after which was sometimes her take on punctuation. Beaus were the family code for the wolfman creatures that showed up periodically. They were among the most intelligent of the creatures they faced on a regular basis.

“We’re the only ones available right now?” Patrick asked. He was not really worried, just curious. He climbed into the driver’s seat of the side by side that was parked in front of the cabin. Alison climbed onto the back and hooked her rifle onto the roof so it would not bounce around so much.

“Furble infestation in the southwest,” Alison answered. She banged on the roof to let Patrick know that she was braced and ready for him to drive.

“Damn,” Patrick said, “We got the lucky assignment then. Those things are annoying and deadly. We just got the deadly ones.” He gunned the engine and they were off toward the Hollow in the northeast of the forest. Patrick trusted Alison more than just about everybody else. One day he would be in charge of the family and he wanted Al as his right hand. She was a keen mind and a crack shot.

The drive was short but before they got there, they had to get out and walk. There were too many roots and it was darker under the thick foliage. Patrick went first after clipping a machete and a pistol to his belt. Al followed with her rifle swinging back and forth and a hard look in her eyes. The Hackette family was nothing to mess with. They did not raise any pushovers.

The two of them crept through the brush, trying to be as quiet as possible. The Hackette clan could just feel these creatures when they were near and Patrick could definitely feel them in that moment. He unfocused his eyes and tried to scan the terrain like a normal person scanned a word search. If he looked too hard he would miss these cunning beasts and they would devour him and Al before they could utter a sound. It was a dangerous job fighting these things but nobody else was going to do it. If they did not thin their numbers, the beasts might spread to other areas and make their presence known. They could murder untold amounts of people without anybody being the wiser.

Suddenly, one of the beasts used itself as a furry missile and tackled Al. She and the beast flew together for a few yards but she was able to roll free and clear of the thing’s terrible claws. Patrick drew his machete and met another one coming from the opposite direction. The machete sank into its side and the thing yelped with inhuman pain. Patrick tried to draw the machete against the wound but the thing pulled away.

Another lunged at Patrick but a shot rang out from Al’s rifle and the thing’s skull exploded into a fine mist and a jigsaw puzzle of skull fragments. That made the other two think twice about their aggressive behavior. They did not think long about their pacifism before they were after the cousins again. Patrick swung his machete and dueled with one of them while the other had Al scrambling for higher ground. Patrick was having a hell of a time with his opponent dodging and weaving but finally, the machete struck gold. In this case, gold was a fountain of blood as the Beau gave up the fight.

The final beast tried to run and Patrick almost felt sorry for it as Al lined up her shot. That shot echoed through the woods as the bullet hit the Beau right in the center of its spine. It slumped against a tree and then hit the ground. Patrick reached for a canteen to celebrate.