Xandar Reborn – A Marvel Cinematic Universe Story

Much of the galaxy had been wrecked by Thanos’ quest for the Infinity Gems. Here and there, people tried to stand against him but Thanos and his Black Order were too strong. The Guardians of the Galaxy, the Avengers, the Asgardians, and more had failed to survive against his might. Even the Kree and the Skrulls had briefly set aside their ancient feud to protect themselves, laying low as not to draw Thanos’ ire. All of space itself shuddered as Thanos gained the power of the Infinity Stones. 

Rhomann Dey had been just one of the thousands of members of the Nova Corps, staunch defenders of civilization and freedom. They were the law in many sectors of space and they took that responsibility seriously. Rhomann was stationed on Xandar which was the heart of the Nova Corps and their headquarters. Rhomann had trained on Xandar and had risen up the ranks rather quickly. He had a fierce determination and loyalty that was hard to extinguish. He was never going to stop when it came to protecting defenseless people.

Rhomann had been there on Xandar when the rogue Kree religious zealot Ronan the Accuser had attacked Xandar with the promise that he would destroy the planet with the purple infinity stone. It was then that Rhomann had seen the Guardians of the Galaxy again. He had been present when the group had been arrested but not present for their prison break. Like many in the Nova Corps, he had thought that the Guardians were a bunch of misfit criminals. After watching them help save Xandar, his mind changed. He had watched several of his fellow Corps members die but they had successfully defended the planet.

It felt like deja vu when Thanos attacked Xandar looking for the purple infinity stone. The thing was locked in a vault deep in Nova Corps central headquarters. There was no way that they were going to let a maniac like Thanos have that powerful of an artifact without putting up a fight. This time, the Guardians of the Galaxy were not present and there was no desperate and crazy plan. Instead, there was a fighting force made up of well-trained and well-armed soldiers.

They never stood a chance. Thanos and his forces plowed through the Nova Corps in a very bloody and chaotic battle. Rhomann was stationed at the vault and was forced to maintain his post while the battle raged.

“They need our help out there,” Rhomann said. “Our brothers and sisters are dying out there.”

“You don’t need to remind me,” Kaena said. “It’s hard to be here but, if it comes to it, we have to do what’s necessary. You took an oath to the Corps. You better not turn back on it now.”

“I won’t,” Rhomann said. “I’m no maverick or a deserter.”

There were explosions in the hallway and Rhomann readied himself and looked over at Kaena who was also getting ready. 

Thanos himself walked into the room and grinned. “I take it that the stone is inside of that vault. I’d promise your safety if you step aside but that would be a lie.”

“This is as far as you go, Thanos,” Rhomann said. “We’re about to do the universe a favor getting rid of you.” 

The two soldiers looked at each other and nodded. They both turned their keys in the console in front of them. A light flashed, symbolizing a brief countdown. The government of Xandar and the Nova Corp had planted a powerful warhead in the vault with the infinity stone. If Thanos got this far, they would attempt to destroy the stone and Thanos to prevent further destruction. It was quite a sacrifice and nobody knew what would happen when the bomb went off. Rhomann was about to find out.

The bomb exploded and the room was filled with a purple light. Rhomann could not see what happened to Thanos and his minions or even Kaena. He found himself being launched through the air like he had been hit by a spaceship at full speed. As he was caught up in the strange purple energy, he thankfully blacked out.

The next thing Rhomann experienced was a slow beeping sound which he soon recognized as a device monitoring his life signs. That meant that he was miraculously still alive. He also realized that his eyes were closed. He tried to open them and found that they were bandaged shut. He tore at the bandages.

“Oh my!” A voice called out. “He’s awake doctor!”

“Please calm down, Rhomann,” a voice said. “I’m your doctor. My name is Como Caloo.”

“Where am I?” Rhomann asked.

“You’re in the New Xandar Central Hospital,” the doctor said. “You’re safe and miraculously alive and healthy.”

“What about Thanos?” Rhomann asked. There was a long pause after the question.

“He’s gone,” the doctor said. “Let’s get those bandages off of your eyes.”

There was a soft snipping sound of scissors and the bandages fell away. Rhomann blinked in the suddenly harsh light but his eyes started to adjust.

“He’s gone?” Rhomann asked, disappointed. “So he didn’t die in the blast either.”

“He didn’t,” the Doctor said. “He also got the infinity stone but then he was defeated.”

“How long have I been out?” Rhomann asked.

“Over five years,” the doctor said but then held up a hand. “It’s a long story and it’s best to not stress you with it right now. One step at a time. We need to talk about your condition.”

“I thought you said that I was healthy,” Rhomann said. “What’s the real prognosis, doctor?”

The doctor hesitated. “Well, while we have been studying and scanning you, we have discovered residual energy from the infinity stone inside of you. It combined with a lot of different energies in the blast to alter you on a molecular level.”

“What does that mean?” Rhomann asked. “Am I dying or do I have superpowers?”

“The latter,” the doctor said. “The New Xandarian government wants to continue to study you.”

“I’m a citizen of Xandar,” Rhomann said. “I feel like the right thing to do is to consent to that study. But I do want to get back to the Nova Corps.”

“The Nova Corps doesn’t exist anymore,” the doctor said. “Thanos destroyed it.”

Rhomann took a deep breath. “Then I will resurrect it,” he said.

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X (2022)

There seems to be a long history of sexual repression in horror. I think that comes from people (and not just religious people) who equated sex with immorality. If the aim was not a baby, the sex was sinful. Even masturbation is seen by some as unhealthy and unbecoming of a person’s mental and spiritual health. However, a lot of human bodies are wired to desire sexual satisfaction and that is just how a lot of us are put together. Limiting sexual congress to just reproduction would eliminate a lot of what sex is. Taking all of that way would suck the joy out of life. Sure, society can let itself get out of hand when it comes to sex but getting rid of it will never be the correct or healthy solution. People need to have fun because enjoying life is kind of the point. You do not have fun to make work feel better, you work to make fun possible. There is nothing immoral about enjoying yourself if nobody is getting hurt.

We do see it a lot in horror, though. Scream was kind of the first mainstream movie that put it out there in words but characters in horror are punished for having sex. That is one of the “rules” put forward in that franchise because it existed long before the nineties. Famously, Pamela and Jason Voorhees tended to punish people for having sex because that distraction led to Jason’s drowning. Norma Bates taught her son Norman that sex was sinful and that all women were whores and therefore distractions from a righteous past. The point of this seems to be so that the audience can see a sex scene but also see these characters get punished. The audience feels better about it because nobody got away with it. It is a transactional kind of morality where people can enjoy things that are “bad” if the ledger is then balanced. 

The first thing I noticed was the setting, I have been to these wide-open rural settings before and they are peaceful but also unsettling. This means that I also noticed the always-excellent A24 cinematography. This is a film company that makes every frame a painting but Ti West, Eliot Rockett, and their team did an exceptionally good job. A lot of period imagery from the dying gasps of the 1970s which always feels dirty to me. Must be the film grain. The gore is so good with plenty of juicy red blood and the prosthetics they use really look great. When you are making a grounded horror film, the violence has to be grounded too. This limits the cartoonishness of it but also allows for more brutality in a way. The kills are mean in the best ways. I really loved the slow slip of tone from warm and fun to cold and scary.

I am far from the first person to say it but Mia Goth is an amazing actress and plays two different roles in this movie. She is likable as the audience’s point of view character and scary as the hardened farm woman. Brittany Snow is fun as the sexy blonde bombshell who is smarter than she seems. Martin Henderson is great as the fast-talking leader of the outfit who seems to get by on his sheer force of will. Jenna Ortega is cute as the young girl way out of her depth. Scott Mescudi’s sarcastic humor and lightness help keep things moving along. Owen Campbell is good as the nerdy film buff who is excited to finally be making something big. I like the chemistry among the cast, they really feel like people I would love to hang out with. 

Overall, I really loved this movie. It was a really interesting story and had some amazing visuals. The blood was a lot of fun and the scares were definitely earned. I loved the duality of the villain and the heroine of the movie being played by the same actress. I also liked that the message of the movie was way more sex-positive and honest than horror usually is. I definitely recommend this movie and I look forward to the prequel and sequel.

X-23: Agent of SHIELD – An Agents of Shield Story

Laura Kinney was amazed at the size of the plane in front of her. She had heard stories of the legendary covert actions done with this plane while she was on missions with the X-Men. They had never really crossed paths. Now the doors were open and the ramp was extended for her. This was SHIELD, the organization of Nick Fury who her father had told her some stories about. She walked up the ramp where three people were standing waiting for her.

“It is nice to meet you, Director MacKenzie,” Laura said. “I’ve received your messages and I’m excited to hear more of your proposal.”

“So formal,” Melinda May said with a very slight smile.

“That’s something coming from you. But you’re right, it’s too formal,” Mac said. “Let’s stick with calling me Mack. What should we call you? Ms. Kinney? Laura?”

“Maybe X-23?” Melinda May asked. “You’ve gone by that too.” May’s eyes studied Laura carefully, Laura could almost feel her gaze like it was a physical pressure. There was no menace to it but a sense of determination that Laura was familiar with. She could tell that May was trying to prod her, she respected that.

“Maybe that’s too dry and scientific,” Jemma Simmons said. “Too many memories of experimentation. I sympathize.”

“The name X-23 never really bothered me,” Laura said. “but my mother named me Laura so you can call me that. Though, in the field, my father has granted me the use of his mantle.”

“Wolverine?” Mack asked. “That name has some really nasty connotations.”

“To be perfectly honest so does the name Quake,” Laura said. “She’s one of yours, right?”

“She’s not wrong,” May said. “Daisy is a hero but she hasn’t always looked like one.”

“We have quite a long and sordid history,” Jemma said. “Some of us have been villainous when we weren’t at our best.”

“Speak for yourself,” May said. “I’ve always been a saint.”

“We’re getting ahead of ourselves,” Mack said. “Let’s talk about what this is. Welcome to SHIELD, skip the acronym, we work hard to save the world every single day. We’ve had ties to the Avengers, the Inhumans, and we’ve taken down Hydra more than once. You already know that I’m Alphonso MacKenzie and that I’m the director of SHIELD. This is Agent Melinda May, head of training, and this is Jemma Simmons, director of technology. There’s a lot of overlap, though and we’ve all seen a lot of field time.”

“And you’re interested in me?” Laura asked.

“We’ve heard a lot about you and we want you on our team,” Mack said. “Shield has had people with powers on the payroll for a while but we could always use more.”

“So I would be muscle?” Laura asked.

“You’d be a full member of the team,” May said. “Everybody contributes here and you have skills and knowledge that people here could only dream of. Like I heard that you’re an excellent tracker.”

Laura smiled and nodded. “I am,” she said. “I get that and a lot of other things from my father. But are you sure You want me? I’ve been called a monster. I’ve been called an animal.”

“You’ll be a whole person here,” Jemma said. “Not a lab rat, not an animal. The sum of your parts like the rest of us.”

“We’re offering you space to grow away from your father, your sisters, and the X-Men,” Mack said. “If you want it. No pressure.”

“No pressure, hmm?” Laura asked. “Sometimes some pressure is good. What would I be doing in SHIELD? How will I save the world?”

“We’d put you in Daisy’s team,” Mack said. “I’m sorry that she’s not here. Quake is out in the field with Yo-Yo, Mockingbird, and Deathlok.”

“A superhero team?” Laura asked.

“Sort of,” May said. “They’re agents.”

“It’s hard to explain unless you’re experiencing it,” Jemma said.

“May I have some time to think about it?” Laura asked.

“Of course,” Mack said. “Like I said, no pressure. If it helps, you could talk to the other person we’re actively recruiting.”

“Oh?” Laura asked. “Who is that?”

“Her name is Gwen Stacy,” Mack said. “I’ll get you her contact info.”

“Thank you,” Laura said. “I look forward to meeting her. Maybe I’ll run into Quake soon too if she’s not too busy. It won’t be hard to find her.”

“Good luck,” May said. “I trained her.”

“We’ll just consider it my first test then,” Laura said. She turned around to leave. “I’ll give you my answer soon.”

Xanadu (1980)

Disco gets kind of a bad rap, I think. In its day, Disco was an unstoppable force of music. It was shiny and happy and was everywhere. It was born in 1970 and unofficially “died” in 1979 but its death throes obviously carried into the 1980s. It had many things going against it. First, Disco became a musical genre that was dominated by white people even though a lot of black people helped create it. Second, the culture of disco and disco clubs seemed to promote sexual promiscuity and heavy drug use. Disco also flooded the market with subjectively terrible music that drowned out the truly fun disco tunes. These distractions left Disco open for younger and hungrier emerging genres like Punk, Heavy Metal, Rap, and New Wave. Disco died even though it did not really need to but from its ashes, we got modern Pop and Techno music. Its death was not in vain but it is sad to me when any art form or genre dies.

I remember roller skating a lot from when I was a young boy. I was born in 1982, a year and a half after this movie was released. During my childhood, which stretched from the mid-eighties to the mid-nineties, it seemed like there were two main choices for kids birthday parties. While I had parties where we had a literal field day or played minigolf at the coolest arcade in town, others just wanted to have pizza at the roller rink named Skateland. Skateland was a Baltimore institution. The one I went to was closed a long time ago but I know the franchise still exists. As I remember it, it was a huge slick floor where people of various skill levels skated around and around in a huge oval. The really good people often went into the center and did tricks. I was never one of those people, nor did I want to be. I was there for the pizza and the least amount of skating I could get away with. This is where I first heard a lot of songs that I have rarely heard outside of a roller rink. Songs by Ace of Base, Blue Suede, C&C Dance Factory, and the Village People were often played as loud as possible. I would often skate for a while and then run around the carpeted area outside of the rink with my friends. Then I would try to sneak over and plunk down any quarters I had at the arcade.

So first off, this was a box office bomb but it has an eclectic cast some of whom are seasoned musical performers. Olivia Newton-John is the star of this movie. Frankly, I liked her much more in this than I did in her most notable musical role. She is allowed to be really weird, ethereal, and mysterious in this which is fun. Michael Beck plays the male lead. He had just been in cult classic The Warriors. He had never really been in a Hollywood musical before but he plays the artist who is somehow more stable and grounded than Newton-John. He is a little flat in places but he is a solid performer. He does not sing. There is also an odd but likable performance from the legend Gene Kelly in his last film role. We get his trademark fast tongue and high energy mostly but he also gets a chance to shine at what he is most known for: dancing. In a lot of scenes, he looks tired but when he starts to dance, he looks as happy and as light as he always did.

The music is actually really good. First, they made a smart move and hired the Electric Light Orchestra to do a lot of the music. If you are not familiar, they are the band who did Mr. Blue Sky, Evil Woman, and Don’t Bring Me Down. Their synthy sound and Jeff Lynne’s floaty vocals are perfect for how weird this movie is. Also, they are a fun upbeat band to have around. The other songs definitely feel disco-inspired which, again, is strange considering the decline of disco as a genre. The music of Jazz and traditional show tunes are briefly touched upon through Gene Kelly’s character, linking this movie with a lot of the older musicals. Somehow, the movie manages to blend these three disparate styles together without it being too jarring. The movie is filled to the brim with special effects but they are 1980s special effects. They are over the top lights and sparkles that make things magical before CGI was a thing. There is also a random Don Bluth animated music video in the movie. The art direction is all over the place which feels right for the eighties which was all about clashing styles and weirdness.

Overall, I actually I liked this movie more than I thought I would. At first, I was not a big fan of the movie. It is a really strange movie but it has an endearing earnestness to it that I could not ignore. While a lot of the music is not really my thing, it is not bad at all. The chemistry between Olivia Newton-John and Michael Beck is cute and honestly, some of the best scenes have no dialogue and just have them smiling at each other and dancing/rollerskating. The friendship between Beck and Gene Kelly represents the connection between the old and the new and also reinforces the main theme of chasing your dreams. I also got more interested when I found out that the plot is based on Greek mythology concerning muses. Still, the movie drags in a lot of places and the pacing is weird. I can see why the critics trashed this one but it is not as bad as they said if you like weirdness.

Xenopus

“And then the little girl says ‘No, what did it look like before it died?” Melissa said. “And then the guy goes” Then she made a great show of looking surprised and then she burst out laughing. I heard myself laughing but I know that it was not real. The joke was not all that funny and I was distracted. I was out of my element and more than a little uncomfortable.

I slowly cut into the steak in front of me and pushed each forkful into my mouth one by one. It was probably fine but I was used to a mouth full of earthworm instead. I thought of the delicious variety of worms that I had enjoyed at lunch which had been far superior to the steak. I understood that I was in the minority in that opinion. I knew very well that most would shake their head at me with a gentle yet smug smile and tell me that I would figure it out eventually. ‘You’ll see’ they might say as if I did not know myself.

“Do you get it?” Melissa asked. She looked expectantly at me and I smiled back at her.

“Yeah,” I said while nodding. “I got it. Very funny.”

It is not that Melissa was a bad person or that I did not enjoy her company. In another world, she could be my friend and I would definitely enjoy that. However, it was really the pressure of the situation. I was expected to be here. Not specifically the restaurant but specifically on a date. Which was weird because I did not want to be on a date. Yet here I was, talking to a perfectly nice person about perfectly nice things. All the time I was thinking about how I wished I was back home in the water, swimming around. The chair was uncomfortable and I felt dry.

“Is anything wrong?” Melissa asked. “You’ve been really quiet.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m just not used to this fork and knife thing. I usually shove things in my mouth with my claws, you know?”

“Oh,” Melissa said. She blinked and looked back at her food, suddenly finding her salad very interesting.

This date was a setup. I could not believe that I had gone along with this. When Raina had suggested that I go out with her friend from work, I shrugged and tried to move to a different subject. She never got the clue and persisted to bug me about it. I could not shake her no matter what excuse I made and finally, I had been forced to give in. If I told her that I Was content, she probably would have shaken her head and told me that I was just being shy. Nobody wanted to believe that a guy could wake up alone and feel good about it. For the record, they did not believe a woman could do the same.

“So,” Melissa said. “Do you watch Blue Bloods?”

“What?” I asked. “Um, no, I don’t have a television. It’s a bit difficult with all of the water.”

“Oh,” Melissa said. She was clearly disappointed.

“What’s it about?” I asked, not wanting to take the air out of her balloon yet again.

“Oh!” Melissa said with a smile. “It’s about a family of cops and one lawyer. They fight crime and deal with family stuff.”

“Well, I can approve of fighting crime for sure,” I said. She did not immediately chuckle at that softball so I blurted out. “I had an uncle who was a lawyer.”

“Cool,” she said, clearly uninterested. “Do you get out to watch movies ever?”

“It’s hard to get out of the stream, really,” I said. “This is the longest I’ve been out of water for a while.”

“So have you seen any movies?” She asked, her opinion of me clearly falling lower every second.

I shrugged. “I’ve seen Die Hard.”

She laughed. “That doesn’t count. Everybody has seen Die Hard.”

I nodded and smiled, feeling like a complete jackass. Obviously, I had just failed some test. I searched my mind for something to talk about with this girl. She deserved pleasant conversation at a minimum. I was definitely failing at that task. I thought about every topic I was even remotely knowledgeable about and nothing seemed like it would be up Melissa’s alley. She was approaching something ‘normal’ which was a bit frightening to me. I am anything but normal. I am a freak. I am broken.

“This is a bad date, huh?” She asked. She smiled at me in a way that inspired honesty.

“Yeah, uh, it’s pretty bad,” I said. I tried to smile to soften the blow.

“Sorry,” Melissa said. “I made all the decisions for this date and now you’re not having any fun.”

“It’s not your fault,” I said. “I think it might be my fault a little bit. I didn’t want to come out and I did anyway. Maybe nobody’s at fault. We can’t blame Raina, for sure.”

“She’s great,” Melissa said.

“She really is,” I said.

“Do you have a thing for Raina?” Melissa asked as if that would explain everything. If it were true, it would explain everything. It also would be pretty danged convenient and I would definitely not be in the position I had put myself.

“No,” I said. “I don’t have a thing for anybody. There’s nothing wrong with you. I just don’t want this.”

“Don’t want what?” Melissa asked. She looked as confused as I often felt.

“Dates,” I said. “A girlfriend. A boyfriend. A significant other. To impress anyone.”

“Wow,” she said. “That’s really weird.”

“Tell me about it,” I said. “Are you going to tell me that I’m wrong.”

“No,” She said. “I don’t get it but I guess I get it.” She shrugged.

“Thank you,” I said. “Can I drive you home?”

“No,” She said. “I’ll just take the bus.”

I nodded. “Okay. Sorry.”

She nodded in return and walked out.

X Marks the Spot

The sand had been easy enough to get through. The dirt was a bit harder. I left most of the digging to Macan. That is one of the perks of being the captain of the ship. You do not have to dig if you do not want to. I still took a turn because that sort of thing is good for morale. Besides, I need a good workout now and then and it had been a while since the last good sword fight. It looked like my turn just might have been the last turn as my shovel hit something hard. The symbols above had indicated that something important was buried here. Pirates and buried treasure seemed a little too on the nose but I was not about to complain. Treasure is treasure.

“Agatha!” I called up. “I don’t really want to dent whatever this is any further. Could you bring up a little wind to clear off what I probably just dented?”

There was no verbal response. Instead, the air started to swirl around me and I covered my eyes, nose, and mouth as best I could. Agatha was a powerful sorcerer but she did not disobey orders even if it meant playfully taking the order a little too literally. The wind picked up and dirt and sand rushed out of the deep hole I was standing in and it did not feel great against my skin. I was tough and I was pretty sure I would survive. When the wind died down, I coughed a little and looked down.

There was a long flat box sticking halfway out of the dirt which intrigued me. Supposedly there were charms and artifacts that would draw out and amplify the powers and abilities of those who obtained them. That is why we had come to the Othersea and whatever was in the box might be the first step in making my small crew the most formidable crew around. I touched the box and I felt the hairs on my arm rise and I shivered a little.

“Throw down a rope!” I called up. When the end of the rope came down, I tied it to a ring on the box. “Macan! Pull the rope!” I called out and I started to scramble out of the hole. As I reached the surface, Macan was grabbing the rope and he pulled hard. I watched as the box shot up to the surface and fell with a thud in the sand. Everybody was instantly crowding around the box but I elbowed my way to the front of the crowd as only somebody in charge can do.

Hooded Kartha was standing next to me. Her robes were encrusted with salt and seaweed and all sorts of bits of nature. She was wise beyond her young years and I valued her counsel. “What do you think it is, Captain?”

“I can only guess,” I answered. “I feel its magic. Can you detect any?”

There was a shiver of magic in the air and Kartha’s barely visible eyes went white for a moment. “There is powerful magic at play but it is in the box. The box, while pretty, is just a container. It is safe to open.”

I knelt down in the sand and smoothed my hands over the box and I felt both the thrill of discovery and something else. I felt the strong magic that Kartha spoke of as well. My excitement reached its peak as I flipped the latches one by one. I gripped the lid and I opened it. Inside was a large sword and I could feel my heart thudding in my chest. There were murmurs from the crew behind me. The clear consensus that this one was for me. I found it hard to argue that point.

I gripped the blade’s handle and mysteriously it began to shrink. It quickly reformed itself into a copy of the soldier’s rapier that I already wore at my side. There were gasps from behind me and I admit that although I was expecting magic, I was not expecting that. I swung the sword around a bit and it felt really good. It felt faster and smoother than any sword I had ever held in my hand. I had held a lot of swords over the years.

“What do you think, Captain?” Oni asked. I turned and saw a very curious crew and I felt myself smiling, not realizing when the smile had started.

“It’s powerful. It’s fast. Once I get used to it, I think I could be even more unbeatable.” I said with a smirk. You can only call it cocky if you cannot back it up. I can back it up. “I just wish it was a little sturdier, a little stronger.” And just like that, the sword transformed into a two-handed claymore. “Nevermind, it’s a magical shape changing sword.”

“Wow,” Oni said. “So what now?”

“We keep searching,” I said. I grabbed up the sword’s sheath and slid the sword into it and slung it over my shoulder. “The tools to conquer the seas are here and we will find one for everybody.”

Real X-Files

Alright, I am not going full conspiracy theory on you today. I am also not talking to you about the X-Files television show. I loved the X-Files back when it was first on but my attitude has somewhat cooled on it after too many years and a really bad movie. I have yet to see the revival and I am not exactly itching to watch it the more I think about it. I have so many other things to watch that a return trip to Mulder’s basement office is not as appetizing as it once would have been. That is not what we are doing today. In the wake of X-Files returning and Ghostbusters coming up, let us talk briefly about the “real” paranormal investigators out there.

I loved Ghostbusters as a kid and one of the main reasons I loved it was that the main characters were scientists. Presumably, just about everything they did was backed by science and engineering and they were eventually able to prove that ghosts were real. I imagine a lot of the actual science was done offscreen because experimentation and the scientific method often takes a long time and can be a little tedious. An old roommate of mine was very much into the Ghost Adventures type of show. This was a show where the viewer follows the adventures of real-life plumbers who somehow decided they could investigate ghosts. There was no hard science involved and after several seasons, there was never a single ghost to show for it. Not to mention they go in as the most credulous people of all time so that every single sound throws them into fits.

On top of this, paranormal investigators are often not wanted or not permitted around supposedly haunted sights. Then, like this group, they end up accidentally damaging or actually destroying the historic home they were supposed to be investigating. By the way, I am sure marijuana and alcohol are really conducive to studying unexplained phenomena. I feel like we have the opposite problem from Mulder. It is not that nobody believes. The problem is that too many people believe or are willing to be tricked into believing without evidence. There is little to no regulation or oversight like there is for real scientific endeavors. Paranormal sciences are really appealing but they have yet to advance our species or help invent anything useful. All we have are interesting stories that we cannot prove are true.

I am not an unbeliever. I am a skeptic and I have been for a very long time now. I love a good ghost story and I do believe in investigating strange occurrences. However. anytime you go into a situation with a firm belief of the cause, you will most likely fail to find the real cause or at least misunderstand what is actually happening. If somebody proves the existence of ghosts, bigfoot or vampires here on Earth then I will be the first person on board. However, they have to prove it scientifically because I lived too many years without evidence of these things. Of course, I also have a vested interest in these things not existing because they sound terrifying. Only the future can tell and so far we are still living in an amazing but mundane world.

X’s Guide to the Paranormal – Water Shut-Off Valve

Emergency Shut-off of the Water System in Kedward Manor From time to time, the water system of Kedward Manor malfunctions. Pipes break or are broken by external forces seeking to sabotage any mortals within the manor. This is unavoidable as any and all attempts to protect the plumbing lead only to madness. For evidence please read entries on the Pappas family in the 1950’s especially Christopher and Deena Pappas.

Recommended practice for all homeowners or caretakers is to shut off the water and complete all repairs between the hours between the hours of 11 pm and 1 am on odd days of the month preferably on a full moon. This is when the mysterious forces are at their weakest, bound by ancient rituals performed before the town’s founding. When confronted by non-lethal ghostly forces, it is often best to go with the flow.

First Step: The Naiads

If the basement is flooded (and trust me it will be flooded), a tribe of fae creatures known as Naiads. It is the Caio tribe but most Naiads can be treated the same regardless of tribe unless you are dealing with the Jaio tribe but that is another matter entirely. Please see the entry on Naiads for more information. If you have not placated the Caio tribe before the emergency you will need to murder enough of them that the rest retreat. Before the next emergency, please consult Placating the Non-Human Residents of Kedward Manor entry as you should have done when maintenance of the Manor became your responsibility. You will eventually heal from the Naiad’s poison, the deafness will last a little longer.

Second Step: The Valve Itself

Once you have located the shut-off valve, you must firmly grip the handle and speak one of your well-guarded secrets aloud. Once this is done, the handle should move freely. If it does not, you may need to feed it your blood. It does not need to be a lot of blood but enough to unlock the mechanism. You’ll know when it’s enough.

Warning: If you are a werewolf, remember to wear gloves when operating the shut off valve. There are trace amounts of silver in the handle and raised runes designed to paralyze those who are branded by the sigils. If you are unsure whether or not you are a werewolf it is best to play it safe.

Third Step: The Ghost Water When the handle is pulled, the water in the Manor will be shut-off but it will trigger the flow of the ghost water. The ghost water is both there and not there but it will drown you the same as real water regardless. The ghost water will fill the maintenance chamber within three seconds once the shut-off valve is triggered. If you have not read this completely before starting the shut-off process then I hope your family mourns you. To ward off the ghost water please use the following hand signals:

You must complete the hand signals in sequence while humming a pure B Flat. After you have done this, the ghost water will have receded and the water will be shut off. Feel free to complete any maintenance at the appointed times. To turn on the water: Flip the handle to the on position and offer a prayer to Poseidon.

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(The following is out of character)

Apologies, WordPress mucked up my formatting so the first few people who saw this may have had problems reading this post.  In my job currently I am writing a guide for maintenance and repair of a 12 bedroom house.  This was written in response to that and obviously inspired by Welcome to Nightvale, https://www.youtube.com/embed/SJoIwGeKs3A” target=”_blank”>Gravity Falls and Broodhollow.