You Are Nuts, Lady – A Batman ‘89 Story

Freshly minted doctor Harleen Quinzel made her way down the hallway of Arkham Asylum. She had heard a lot of bad things about the place but she was dead set on helping people. She wanted to put her degree to good use and help to heal the broken minds of the criminally insane. So far she was fitting in okay but she knew that everybody was watching her as the youngest and newest doctor. She had gone to great lengths to erase her lower-class accent and she had succeeded mostly. She was a professional and she was going to prove it.

Harleen stopped at the door of one of the therapy rooms and nodded at the two guards who nodded back before unlocking the door. Harleen took a deep breath and then pushed open the door with a gentle smile on her face. Inside the room, Alexis Kaye (Patient No. C-3457) was handcuffed to the table. She was slumped over the table with her head down and when Harleen sat down, she slowly raised her head to look at Harleen through the curtain of her hair. Harleen fought to keep her composure. She had seen scarier. Alexis had used some dirt to draw clown makeup on.

“Good morning, Alexis,” Harleen said. “How are we feeling today?”

Alexis grinned and made eye contact. A disturbing amount of eye contact. “Good morning, Harley,” she said. “I’m doing great.”

“Now, I’ve told you before that you must call me Doctor Quinzel,” Harleen said gently. “Let’s keep things professional.”

Alexis frowned briefly but then returned to her unhinged smile. “Sorry, Doctor Harley,” she said. “I’ll use your professional name if you use mine.”

“I’m not calling you Punchline, Alexis,” Harleen said, immediately kicking herself for even saying the name. “Your name is Alexis Kaye and I am Doctor Quinzel. That’s our relationship.”

“So serious,” Alexis said. “You should learn how to cut loose and have a little fun.”

“We’re not here to talk about me, Alexis,” Harleen said, brushing off the personal comment. “Is there anywhere you want to start today?”

“I’m an open book, doc,” Alexis said. “I just love to talk.”

“Fine,” Harleen said. “Why don’t we talk about the League of Smiles? Until recently you led the group. What is the League of Smiles?”

“Who says I’m not still leading it from the inside?” Alexis asked with a playful tilt of her head before moving on. “The League of Smiles are my friends. We’re all true followers of The Joker.”

“Alexis, Jack Napier also known as The Joker is dead,” Harleen said. “I know you all are looking for something to fill your lives with but The Joker is not coming back.”

Alexis shook her head. “He’s not dead,” she said. “If you look in the morgues for him, you won’t find him. If you dig him up, you won’t find him.”

“Alexis,” Harleen said, struggling for words. She had sympathy for this young woman but it could be frustrating. “He fell off of the Gotham Cathedral. Nobody could survive that fall.”

“It’s all a coverup,” Alexis said. “The guy they scraped off of the pavement wasn’t our Joker. That was just another loyal follower. They wanted the people of Gotham to stop being afraid so they made him go away. He’s still out there.”

“Then why hasn’t he shown himself?” Harleen asked. “He’s never shied away from the public before. He loves a camera.”

“He’s an artist,” Alexis said with an offended frown. “You expect him to perform on command? He’s working on his next masterpiece. Besides, who wants to share the spotlight with that Penguin creature.”

“Alexis, that does bring up an interesting point,” Harleen said. “The Penguin was found to be working with the Red Triangle Gang who were inspired by the circus.”

“I know where you’re going with this,” Alexis said. “They were phonies. They had clowns among them who did not follow the Joker. Traitors.”

“Did you do something to them?” Harleen asked.

“Oh, we murdered a lot of them,” Alexis said. “It was hilarious. Some of them were forgiven and allowed to join us. Those that saw the light.”

Harleen felt a shiver run down her spine and fought not to let it show. “You do know that this behavior is both illegal and wrong, right?” she asked. “You’re not going to prove anything to anybody. You’re going to rot away in captivity.”

“I won’t be in here that long,” Alexis said. “The Joker will come for me and mine. Maybe I’ll even introduce you. Would you like that?”

Harleen shook her head and could feel her heart racing. “I think we’ve reached the end of our time today,” she said. “Please clean your face.”

Harleen stood up and left the room, barely glancing at the guards. The thought of Alexis being right was terrifying. The Joker was a homicidal, psychopathic madman. Harleen shook it off. There was no way that Alexis was right. She was certifiable. Harleen would call up her mentor Dr. Meridian and see if she had any insight into the situation.

Tags: 89, A to Z, A to Z Blogging Challenge, Batman, Fanfiction, Fiction, Harley Quinn, Joker, Punchline, Y, You're Nuts Lady