*After watching the first season and the pilot episodes
11. Don’t Assume That Columbo is Ignorant
A lot of the time, the suspect ends up being a wealthy professional of some sort. They are cultured and well-read and feel that anybody of a lower class does not know as much as they do. A lot of their specialized knowledge ties into the murder because they use what they know to plan the crime and hide it. Columbo is a ragdoll of a man with a glass eye, rumpled clothing, and a junk heap of a car. He constantly seems distracted and forgetful which snobs interpret as ignorant and unintelligent. What they do not realize is that while Columbo enjoys the simple things in life, he also has a passion for absorbing information. He genuinely enjoys talking about new things he discovered. For example, he really got into the art world while investigating an art critic.
10. Don’t Let Him Touch Any of Your Things
This is kind of a specific rule but whenever Columbo can get his hands on a pivotal object, it always ends badly for the suspect. Letting him examine a key bit of evidence gives him a chance to notice inconsistencies. Some examples: In Suitable for Framing, Columbo excitedly grabs at the suspect’s art portfolio before he is shoved aside. Leaving his fingerprints on the pieces of art becomes the smoking gun. In Short Fuse, showing Columbo the exact cigar box used as the murder weapon allows him to trick the killer into confessing because the killer thinks Columbo is holding a bomb.
9. Don’t Try to Direct the Investigation
This happens so often and it is a mistake every single time. The suspect knows that they are under investigation (or at least can deduce as much) but they try to lay breadcrumbs to lead Columbo to accuse somebody else (or drop the investigation). Short Fuse is all about the suspect walking Columbo through a cleverly planned frame job but he is so obvious about it. The same goes for Suitable for Framing when the suspect botches the frame job at the last moment. The most egregious example (in Season 1) is Dead Weight where the suspect actually tries to woo the only witness to the crime and turn her against Columbo. Directing the investigation where you want is great on paper but any investigator worth their trenchcoat will see through it.
8. Don’t Taunt Columbo
This happens so many times that it is ridiculous. The suspect gets filed with a mixture of fury and arrogance and actually challenges Columbo to prove his theory. So far, the only place it was directly stated was Prescription: Murder where the suspect ends up directly taunting Columbo. However, suspects often more subtly challenge Columbo. For example, in Dead Weight the general tells Columbo that if he wants to catch any fish, he better use better bait or fish somewhere else. Of course, Columbo had a fishing pole in his hand but the intention was very clear. This challenge is all but an admission of guilt and just gives Columbo more motivation to solve things.
7. Don’t Let Your Guard Down Too Early
Columbo is a master strategist and is very good at manipulating suspects into a corner so that they either confess or otherwise reveal their guilt. He is like a bulldog as when he grabs onto a case, he doesn’t let go. His dedication to his job is unflagging and the only thing that makes him stop working is that he wants to go home to his wife at some point. (Yes, his wife exists). Considering how obvious he is about his dedication to the case it seems almost silly when Columbo seems to agree to back off or give up. He never gives up so letting down your guard is an absolutely ridiculous notion. He is like a horror villain in that he always comes back.
6. Don’t Lie to Columbo
This is just good sense when dealing with any officer of the court but especially a rule when dealing with Columbo. Columbo has a razor-sharp mind when it comes to details about the case. Inconsistencies and contradictions jump out at him and bother him until he can figure out a solution. Sometimes a simple lie can solve the case right at the beginning. In Short Fuse, the suspect lies to Columbo’s face right after meeting him. When Columbo catches this suspect he says that this moment was what drove the investigation. The lies they pick are often either ridiculous or entirely too convenient. They do not really reflect how things really happen so near to a serious crime like murder.
5. Don’t Involve Another Person
In several episodes of Columbo, the killer has intricately planned out the deed and thought of everything (or so they think). They rigorously planned each step and they follow those steps religiously and carefully. However, some of these geniuses decide to involve an accomplice to who they also give intricate tasks. Putting any part of your plan outside of your direct control is a very dangerous risk. Of course, the other party inevitably misses a step or screws up something and ends up accidentally providing a vital clue in the story. This usually leads to the suspect feeling the need to kill the accomplice to further cover their tracks which never works.
4. Don’t Try to Get Columbo Taken Off the Case
This actually happened from the very first pilot movie and has happened since. Most of the time, the suspect that Columbo is after is wealthy and connected. When Columbo inevitably gets too close to solving the case, they get nervous/annoyed and try to pull strings with the higher-ups. They try to get Coluimbo reassigned and a less fervent detective assigned. This often backfires because Columbo has a really good reputation among his superiors. Other cops may think him strange but his Captain knows he gets results. In fact, in Prescription: Murder, Columbo reveals that the request made his Captain suspicious and told Columbo to dig in deeper. This is a huge signal to Columbo that he is on the right track.
3. Don’t Lose Your Cool
Columbo’s whole strategy when dealing with a suspect is to annoy them in any way that he can. Part of that is his nature as a forgetful guy and part of that is obviously an act. He tends to needle his suspect and those he believes are accomplices relentlessly. He asks seemingly innocuous or obvious questions. This can be infuriating and the suspects inevitably lose their cool and snap at Columbo or try to get rid of him. Of course, by asking what seems like silly questions, Columbo is laying a foundation and establishing a baseline. One of the biggest mistakes here is that the suspect will snap and declare that they don’t know the answer to his question or “what does it matter?”.
2. Don’t Forget Your Story
If you are going to lie to Columbo, it is imperative that you never deviate from your story no matter what. That requires the suspect to remember their story at all times, even when Columbo surprises them or they are talking to non-Columbo characters. Of course, those of us who watch a lot of procedurals know that rehearsing your story leads to suspicion. It can’t be too perfect but forgetting key details usually causes an alibi to suddenly implode. This can be somewhat related to Do Not Lie to Columbo as the truth is way easier to remember than a lie. Telling a lie over and over can imprint on you so much that your memory changes but I think that the truth is generally easier to remember.
1. Don’t Kill Again
If somebody is dogging your every step and showing up at your place of business/home/random location then you should not commit another crime. While you may be able to commit that second crime unnoticed, the coincidence of another dead body in your orbit is very suspicious. What are the chances that two people even tangentially related are killed and/or disappear around the same time? Probably not a high probability. In Murder By the Book, the suspect kills a witness who tries to blackmail him. In Suitable for Framing, the suspect kills his accomplice to try to wrap up loose ends knowing full well that they are both part of the local art scene and could be linked. In Prescription: Murder, the suspect does not kill his accomplice but saying he was willing to kill her convinces the accomplice to testify against him.
In short, if you have killed somebody and Columbo shows up, you are already screwed. You cannot possibly follow all of the above rules. You will forget something or be provoked into spoiling your plan. Give up immediately.
Special Mention: Don’t take sleeping pills right before you commit the murder. In Lady in Waiting, the suspect takes sleeping pills as part of her carefully planned murder plot. The idea is that she plans to shoot her brother in an impaired state so that sche can say that she thought he was a burglar breaking in. (It’s complicated). However, her brother misses his cue and the pills hit her really hard. This causes her to pretty much botch her plan and forget a lot of steps in her plan as she is sleepy.
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